Where will your team’s players be likely to mug whoever happens to be closest to fist?

In keeping with stereotypes, two Demons players got in a blue at an up-market Prahran eatery. So where would your club’s players be most likely to swing fists?

Entrecote Restaurant, Prahran, where the Melbourne Demons altercation transpired. Picture: supplied

The good folk at Entrecote in Prahran were understandably miffed by events on the weekend.

The fare served at the restaurant includes Albatross Island scallops, shaved fennel, pomegranate, grapefruit and white Burgundy dressing. The crispy pork croquette, quail eggs, sauce gribiche, apple and frisée also sounds rather yum.

What is not included on the menu are drunken Demons players and their punch up at the next table.

Steven May of the Demons. Picture: Getty Images

Jake Melksham of the Demons marks infront of Steven May during a training session. Picture: Getty Images

It’s in keeping with stereotypes that a Melbourne Demons altercation takes place in an up-market eatery in which each paying diner is a few hundred bucks lighter by meal’s end.

It also adds up that no one at the club, despite all the blather about doing better and accepting the consequences, felt any urgent need to say sorry to the restaurant.

To be fair, perhaps the club was busy at Buller.

Football players always have and always will get into fights. It’s as unwelcome as rate rises and inflation, and just as certain.

So where will your team’s players be likely to be when they drink too much and mug whoever happens to be closest to fist?

North Melbourne: A soup kitchen, any soup kitchen, where kindness for the downtrodden is intrinsic to any rebuild.

Alternatively, any all-you-can-eat salad establishment.

Essendon: Given sagging performances, and the sight of the international airport from the club’s training facility in Tullamarine, may we suggest the airport food court before the players board for their July end-of-season trip?

Melbourne Airport's T2 Arrivals Hall. Picture: Michael Kai

Hawthorn: The board, rather than the players, seems to get more feisty at the Hawks.

Perhaps a Glenferrie Rd wine bar (where Tasmanian beverages as well as Tasmanian people are banned, lest anyone get the wrong idea), which boasts door bouncers should any wannabe board members try to crash the party before they declare that the party isn’t very good anyway.

Glenferrie Road, Hawthorn. Picture: Josie Hayden

Collingwood: Football’s unfortunate hijinx equivalent of pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.

Club legend Darren Millane hit troubles across Melbourne in a blur which warrants bus tour re-enactments, complete with actors who do or do not throw the first punch, according to your preferred courtroom version.

Behavioural questions in a New York nightclub a second option; being dazed and half naked in Williamstown in the early winter morning a passable third.

Carlton: Why head past Lygon St, where the promise of pre-season pasta is plenty, and the lure of a great pasta never matches the assurances of the restaurant spruikers, especially after about round two of each football season?

Restaurants in Lygon Street, Carlton. Picture: Luis Enrique Ascui

Geelong: Long celebrated festivities at the (since renamed) Lord of the Isles pub, where everyone knows everyone, and a club captain once squirrel-gripped a stranger after a grand final loss for no apparent reason.

For the past decade, despite filling up with grand final bookings each August, the venue feels as sad as a Josh Frydenberg election night party by the time of the game itself.

Richmond: Could be reduced to any local establishment on Swan St or Bridge Rd which serves food with chopsticks, given their apparent versatility for both eating and menacing – or so an alleged victim said after Dusty Martin turned up a few years’ back.

Burning effigies and upturned cars aside (and that’s just the fans), kebab joints always a chance for bother.

When player Sydney Stack got busted for getting antsy outside a Gold Coast strip club, it prompted talk of a book and movie – He Defied With A Felafel In His Hand.

Richmond supporters celebrating the team’s 2019 AFL Grand Final win on Swan Street. Picture: Tony Gough

St Kilda: Standing order to dine at the premier Melbourne restaurant since 1997, but the players never turn up in lieu of anything to celebrate (or fight about).

Is it time to reheat the St Kilda Disco at Moorabbin, where tales of scoring far exceed the number of triumphant on-field moments since the advent of decimal currency?

Western Bulldogs: Could descend on any of the 612 Melbourne pubs said to be owned by club legend Luke Darcy.

Generally, however, the Bulldogs tend to err in cars, most notably when player Lachie Hunter sideswiped four cars and didn’t think to tell anyone before he went to a fellow player’s home and punched UDLs. As he helpfully explained to police: “I s--t myself”.

Next incident of Bulldog wrongdoing tipped to take place in a Maccas drive-through.