Patrick Carlyon: Why Moreland’s ‘small step’ to wokeness is absurd

Moreland Council changing its name because of a link to a plantation that kept slaves is absurd. If you cancel every perceived symbol of inequality, where do you stop?

William Lamb wasn’t very woke. As 2nd Viscount Melbourne, he opposed the abolition of slavery, calling it “a great folly”.

This is shocking. Who knew? The city’s name must be changed at once. Until it is, Melbourne and its people stand as unconscionably racist. To keep it any longer will cause considerable reputational damage.

Then we can tackle Washington, given bad old George kept and bought slaves. Don’t forget Perth, named after a man sued for philandering.

The language above – “shocking”, “reputational damage” – comes from a real-life local example.

Seven figures will be spent to erase the ‘Moreland’ spectre. Picture: Josie Hayden

The absurdity of Moreland Council’s abrupt decision to change its name, because of its link to a Jamaican sugar plantation which kept slaves, has been addressed elsewhere.

After all, if you embark on wokeness, and cancel every perceived symbol of racism and inequality, where do you stop?

“One small step,” the mayor said, in the healing process of “truth telling and reconciliation”.

Quite an exxy one, too.

Moreland will spend seven figures, according to one councillor, to change street signs and vehicle badging, among other things, to erase the “Moreland” spectre once an alternative is found.

But what will be the new name? Remember, it must reflect a “commitment to social justice, diversity and community inclusion”.

Farquhar McCrae named Moreland after his father and grandfather’s sugar plantation.

Obviously, it cannot be named after anyone who was white and from the colonial era. Rich, powerful bastards are so last millennium.

It can’t be named after any Australian politicians who built the new nation, given the very few opposed to a “White Australia” policy didn’t make a fuss.

It shouldn’t be named after a man. I mean, men?

It could be named after a woman, but this is also fraught.

Take the four female pioneers portrayed on our bank notes. Models of courage and conviction, they may all be rather inspiring stories.

But two were dames, therefore monarchists and elitists. One was violent on occasion, the other unmoved by the White Australia policy.

Not one of them lobbied for climate action, workplace cultural change or even the LGBTIQA+ community.

On reflection, it can’t be named after a man or a woman, anyway, given the offence to those people who identify as neither.

It could be Melbourne North, given its location, but then you hit the outrageous slavery connection again.

Or Yarra North, given the similarly stretched political sensitivities expressed by the council to the south.

“Woke” could work, but it isn’t very representative for those ratepayers who reckon the cost might be better spent on the hole in the footpath down the street.

Why not, as it appears, “W---”?

That way, those who approve would see Woke.

And those who do not could apply another naughtier name.

What could be more inclusive?