Patrick Carlyon: Welcome to Kooyong, the home of political twaddle

As the Liberal Party fears losing Kooyong, the once safest of seats, the cult of personality is now threatening to push questions of policy to the side.

Treasurer Josh Frydenberg really likes cuddly dogs.

I know this important fact because I live in Kooyong, where political billboards lurk around every street corner.

Frydenberg’s supporters started putting up these billboards about seven years ago, or so it seems.

The other main candidate, an independent, Dr Monique Ryan, has caught up on the signage, though Frydenberg’s face appears to appeal more to those disposed to adding devil’s horns, black teeth and alien eyes.

Ryan argues that “Kooyong’s climate is changing”. Politically, at least, this is a given.

Treasurer Josh Frydenberg really likes cuddly dogs.

Dr Monique Ryan has caught up on the signage. Picture: Ian Currie

The Liberals fear losing this once safest of seats. It’s never been like this before. Where the cult of personality – Josh v Dr Monique (as with Albo v ScoMo) – threatens to push questions of policy to the side.

Go to the mailbox. It is cluttered with political twaddle. Many trees have been harmed in the making of this Kooyong campaign.

Josh – and he is just Josh in the letters – helpfully sends speeches that he’s certain will appeal to the personally addressed males or females of the household.

Josh is “securing our recovery” — when he isn’t being a friend to cuddly dogs.

A written endorsement of Josh from his mate Karen has been the oddest of the correspondence.

Karen Hayes runs Guide Dogs Victoria. Everyone likes guide dogs. But not everyone barracks for Josh.

Charities are not normally politically partisan, mainly because being so risks deregistration. Josh has dismissed criticism of this support as “confected outrage”. He authorised the flyer. It seems the board of Guide Dogs Victoria did not, given the lack of anything confected in their response to it.

Karen Hayes runs Guide Dogs Victoria. Everyone likes guide dogs. But not everyone barracks for Josh.

Did I mention that Dr Monique is a doctor? She has, on every occasion. Dr Monique does not seek to govern. Saving the world is enough. She peddles no tax or security policies, but does boast a teal T-shirted army of very polite supporters. They loiter in parks, like football team cheer squads who have gone to the wrong ground.

Dr Monique has yet to commit to cuddly dogs, though there is still time. She has promised to support the mainstream party which cuts emissions earlier.

If elected, she has also vowed to assist all voters who fall down in the street. “As a Dr I know how to make judgement calls to save lives,” she says. “As your member I will do the same.”

Welcome to Kooyong, where it should never be said that the blind are leading the blind.

Patrick Carlyon is a senior features writer