Patrick Carlyon: Prescriptive rules make going to the footy more like prison than the MCG

No kick-to-kick, and no cash payments – the new rules for going to the footy just don’t make sense.

New rules are in place for the 2021 AFL season. Picture: Michael Willson/AFL Photos via Getty Images.

Some lucky football fans still talk about the day, in 1994, when they sat in the MCG stands as Gary Ablett Sr launched into orbit, landed on the head of Collingwood’s Gary Pert, brought down the ball and fell flat on his back.

As one, as if to prove Einstein’s theory of cause and effect, the crowd rose as Ablett fell.

Such an instinctive response was set not to happen at Marvel Stadium this week.

Standing was, until a backflip on Wednesday morning, against the rules.

So much for the laws of nature.

The AFL clarified the rule, with the directive now asking fans “not to stand at their seats for long periods of time, however standing and barracking for their team is permitted.”

Going to the game used to be fun.

A pie, beer, even a nervous ciggie outside at three-quarter time, could be factored around the queues. You didn’t have to think about it. You just turned up.

There is now an eight-point checklist for going to Marvel Stadium. It is called “your new journey”, which seems about right, if going to the footy is harder than flying overseas.

First, you must download the COVID app, then pre-purchase a ticket, then enter the designated gate at the designated time. No slow coaches, now.

Your bag must be A4 size or smaller — presumably security will be armed with tape measures.

Then you must go directly to your seat, where you are officially captive (why no handcuffs?), except for three excuses.

You are allowed to go the bathroom, and to leave the ground. You can buy food and drink, so long as you return to your seat before burning your tongue on your pie.

But don’t try to pay with cash. Don’t think about a little kick-to-kick before or after the match.

Thoughtfully, Marvel Stadium included this eighth pointer. Think of it as a permission slip: “Cheer for your team and enjoy the game”.

This oddly prescriptive guide conflicts with the easing of controls elsewhere.

Before the game, you can lawfully stand with strangers, without a mask, as you wait in a cafe for a pork roll.

Afterwards, you can head to a King St nightclub, where much dancing, sweating and hugging goes on.

So why is going to the footy like going to Pentridge?

Melburnians have lived under often gratuitous controls for more than a year now. Mealy-mouthed crowd limits at the footy, and a stadium guide that permits the need to go to the toilet, suggests that some authorities will not relinquish their petty powers.

Marvel Stadium sounds more like Nuremberg in 1936 than the MCG of 1994.

— Patrick Carlyon is a Herald Sun columnist

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