Patrick Carlyon: Many parts of the world use nuclear power but in Vic we must be safe, if not warm
Under Lily D’Ambrosio’s plan there will be little gas, and no coal or nuclear power in Victoria in the future, but hot air from the energy minister’s social media posts should keep us toasty until spring.
Patrick Carlyon
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Many parts of the world use nuclear power. Here, however, we must be kept safe, if not warm.
Our chief protector is Lily D’Ambrosio, who moonlights as the state’s energy minister when she isn’t playing as a stand-up comedian.
She has a plan. No one can follow it, but let’s try.
Under the plan, nuclear power is deemed “deadly”. The “cold hard reality” is that nuclear power causes cancer, and may God have mercy on all the doomed souls warmed by 440 nuclear reactors in 31 countries.
Fortunately, on our behalf, D’Ambrosio knows better.
She announces that Peter Dutton is “obsessed” with Oppenheimer instead of Barbie, in a social media offering as well-placed as a pro-Palestinian protester at a Seinfeld show.
She has got her leader Jacinta Allan, who moonlights as Victoria’s premier, on side. Allan, in an unexpected break from hibernation, has described nuclear power in Victoria as “unfathomable”.
Other elements within D’Ambrosio’s party have proved more resistant to her manifesto.
D’Ambrosio is against gas power, too, which puts her in conflict with the ALP’s federal energy minister, Madeleine King, who has meanly pointed out that Victoria gets gas from Queensland.
Last year, D’Ambrosio outed gas as evil, in a manner which lumped gas with vampires and devils.
Her government banned gas appliances in new homes and businesses. D’Ambrosio explained that the ban would lower prices, but didn’t burden us by explaining how.
An industry spokesman, assuming the role of a silly sausage, pointed out that the ban would not only push up prices, but also force Victorians to cook with coal instead of gas.
The planet thanks them for their sacrifice.
On Thursday, the nation’s market regulator warned that Victoria faced critical gas shortages this winter. D’Ambrosio helpfully responded that there had been some cold days lately and that there was no cause for concern, so let’s all move on already.
She points out that Victoria is running out of gas supplies because of – that’s right – geology.
Other observers, in their ignorance, suggest that a lack of gas might relate to the ALP government’s ideological unwillingness to issue licences for gas exploration since 2014.
Under the D’Ambrosio plan, there will be little gas, and no coal or nuclear power in Victoria in future.
But it’s all good. Forecasters say that the hot air from D’Ambrosio’s interminable social media posts should keep us toasty until spring.
Patrick Carlyon is a Herald Sun columnist
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