22 things we don’t want to see happen in 2022

Silly changes to AFL rules, politicians donning hi-vis and beloved books falling victim to cancel culture are among the 22 things we don’t want in 2022.

Another year, another variant. This year felt a lot like the last, a few shoots of optimism shrouded under a blanket of fear.

Will next year be kinder? Or more of the same?

Here are 22 things we really don’t want to see happen in 2022 – which will probably happen.

Anthony Albanese and Scott Morrison donning hard hats and hi-vis to announce that they have a planet-saving plan – as opposed to the other mob – to a factory floor of unimpressed workers.

Daniel Andrews and Matthew Guy donning hard hats and hi-vis to announce that they have a state-saving plan – as opposed to the other mob – to a factory floor of the same unimpressed workers.

We’ve had our fill of politicians in hard hats and hi-vis during Victoria’s ‘big build’. Picture: James Ross

Stupid modelling. Much has been made of a predicted 200,000 new cases a day in NSW, which would mean the entire state would be infected in 40 days, which would mean no more catastrophising forecasts.

A Collingwood resurgence from 17th in 2021.

An AFL player sex/racism/misogyny scandal in January/February because this kind of sideshow is a mandatory and unwelcome entree to every football season.

Unnecessary queues for Covid tests because idiotic interstate premiers can make them happen. A continuing need from said premiers to close borders after someone sneezes 800km away because it is politically advantageous to play to the amplified fears of the local electorate.

Hopefully massive queues at Covid testing sites are ‘so 2021’. Picture: Getty Images

Aspiring politicians exposed for hilariously sexist/racist/criminal social media histories that they never realised would become public knowledge when they stood for public office.

Ditto reality TV stars. Who knew that fame has a price?

Growing tensions with China about its imperialistic aspirations for Taiwan.

After calling Australia “gum stuck to China’s shoe” and “a giant kangaroo that serves as a dog to the US”, brace for updated offerings from China such as “bumface” and “poohead”.

Morecancelling of long loved TV shows, movies and books because an obscure researcher with a PhD is outraged by hidden sexism/racism/misogyny themes which must be erased faster than a colonial statue. So it goes you should avoid Cat in the Hat for its “white heteronormative depiction of middle-class binary children’’.

More calls to change the name of towns, hills, streets, cheese companies, brewers, lollies and any other symbols which magically became offensive to a small handful of huffy agitators after generations of people never thought to question them.

An Australian Open which stands to be hijacked by one or two self-centred, self-serving and not very bright personalities who think their views on the pandemic matter because of their forehand.

Supermarket staff who frown when you decline to round up the bill to save countless kids/animals/disadvantaged people from miserable and avoidable death/disease/climate change. Best remember that only a few cents from each of us adds up to a lot of corporate kudos for the supermarket.

New AFL rule interpretations which will further impede the gritty game style of Richmond.

Pop-up roadworks around every single street corner.

Repeated demands to complete customer surveys from outlets which sold you something online. Expect more of this kind of correspondence from Bunnings: “We hope you’ll write about your HomeLeisure 750mm Charcoal WaterSaver Contemporary Rectangular Planter.” Australia Post, meanwhile, will continue to issue umpteen reminders about an impending doorstep arrival before informing you, at day’s end, that you must drive to the local post office to collect your promised parcel.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle describing a victimised existence by victimising every royal as sexist/racist/misogynist dating back to Henry VIII.

Retail staff who bail up customers to demand ID, as well as a vaccination certificate, because doing so makes them feel much more important than they are.

Taxpayers will be stung an extra $1.94bn for costs blowouts on the West Gate Tunnel. Picture: Ian Currie

Major project blowouts and delays. Happily, we will be told, the state government actually planned for all these added costs and hold-ups when it originally announced costs and timelines at a fraction of the eventual reality.

Communication companies which insist you upgrade your phone so you can download their app in the vague hope that doing so may result in a conversation with a company representative who cannot help you until you provide a password you cannot remember choosing back when John Howard was PM.

Mandatory anythings. Select from the following: boosters, masks, voting. Expect more laws that limit freedoms even though the need for such laws is questionable, will not make us safer, and leaves a grimy residue of mistrust for trumped-up officials with once-in-a-lifetime powers.