‘Mr Joyce’s mate’: When Anthony Albanese applies for Qantas chairman’s lounge renewal

It’s safe to say that Albo will be accepted, but just to be ‘completely transparent’, here is the full application here, written by Patrick Carlyon.

APPLICATION FOR QANTAS CHAIRMAN’S LOUNGE 2025-2026 RENEWAL

Name: Anthony Albanese

Age: 61

Position: Mr Joyce’s mate. Prime Minister.

Marital Status: Soon to marry Jodie Haydon. Save the date!

Achievements:

Rose from hardscrabble childhood in housing commission home to assume the highest office in the land. Five hundred and sixty three media clips of my extraordinary journey attached.

Stopped Qatar Airways from introducing new flights which would have made Qantas’ international market place more competitive.

Have met Joe Biden multiple times, and Kamala Harris, as well as that bloke from India, the scary dude from China and my bro Justin, who runs Canada.

Maintained national social cohesion after the October 7 massacre by trying to offend the least people I could, at any cost.

Galvanised the nation with a referendum that sought to put some Australians on a rightfully different pedestal to the rest. Thwarted by far right meanies.

A journalist revealed in a new book that Prime Minister Anthony Albanese asked Mr Joyce for flight upgrades. Picture: NCA Newswire / Gaye Gerard

Other relevant information:

Have kept Qantas in the news by turning a one-day talking point about flight upgrades into a week-long saga. You might know the story, of course you do, but here’s a quick recap.

A nasty journalist wrote a mean book saying that I had asked Mr Joyce for flight upgrades. I held a press conference, to further confuse the details, leading not only to comparisons with Joe Biden, but also to suggestions that I had something to hide, which, to be honest, might or might not have been the case because I don’t do details.

I tried to shoot the messenger by suggesting that he had hidden his Liberal Party background, which, as it happens, he apparently mentioned in the very first sentence of his stupid book.

I slept on it.

The next day, I sent out my ministers to claim, provocatively, that Opposition Leader Peter Dutton was “obsessed” about “playing politics”. They boldly declared that he knew Gina Rinehart.

I slept on it again.

Anthony Albanese allegedly contacted former Qantas CEO Alan Joyce directly for the freebies.

The Qantas chairman's lounge in Sydney. Picture: Supplied

The Qantas chairman’s lounge in Brisbane. Picture: Lucas Muro

By Wednesday night, uncertain that maximum damage and distraction had been applied, I released a carefully worded statement which said that I had never “called” Mr Joyce for an upgrade, predictably prompting the media en masse to point out that this did not preclude my – or my office – texting, emailing or speaking to any of Mr Joyce’s then splendiferous executive team.

Everyone was more confused than ever. But they were still talking about Qantas.

Then I basically said in a series of texts to a radio host that I hadn’t spoken to anyone at Qantas about any upgrades. Like ever.

Then Jodie and I cracked a cheeky pinot and once again went through all the photos of the new beach house. I suggested a pool for the backyard, and how about a new fire pit? For 10 minutes, I forgot all about my mission to keep Qantas in the news until Christmas, 2027. When the talk turned to homewares, I went to bed and dreamt about feeding Peter Dutton to a chiminea.

I woke up with renewed zeal for the assignment. I agreed that I had indeed sent text messages to a radio host, and my office drip fed the revelations to the denizens of the print media. The Opposition demanded I report myself to the corruption commission, or whatever it is called. Tanya and I giggled off camera about her claim that I had been “completely transparent”.

I gathered my ministers, channelled Biden again, and presented a monologue in which I blamed journalists. I didn’t know what I was trying to say. Neither did they. I unveiled the new fire pit plans for the beach house, and everyone inwardly cheered.

Federal Shadow Transport Minister Anthony Albanese as federal shadow transport minister with Alan Joyce in 2018. Picture: Perth Airport

A story which might have died in hours is now the only thing that anyone has talked about all week. No one is whingeing about cost of living or a lack of housing or, if they are, I can’t hear them because everyone wants to know which end of the plane me, my ex-wife and my son fly. It’s been saturation coverage for the company. Because of me. Just saying.

Character references:

Mr Joyce.

That nice man from Copacabana Real Estate Agency.

Most of my front bench.

Some of my back bench.

The people of Australia who still trust me. Names and addresses attached.

Additional Notes:

I am a part-time DJ, as I have noted in the past half dozen of these application renewals. I remain available to blast bangers in one of my signature T-shirts in any Chairman’s Lounge across Australia, on request.