Gender boxes need to be tackled for all our sakes

Hester Brown has seen and heard a lot in the outer while watching husband Ben play for North Melbourne, but there’s one insult she still can’t cop. She explains why.

Our Watch ambassador Hester Brown.

I was sitting at Marvel Stadium recently watching an AFL game with my four-month-old daughter on my lap.

She was looking pretty darn cute with big blue earmuffs on to keep out excessive noise from the excited crowd.

During an intense third quarter of play, there was a head clash that left a player concussed.

As he made his way gingerly towards the bench, I heard a gentleman behind me complaining loudly.

“Ah, come on, that was a textbook bump! It’s not a girls’ game!”

I’ve become a reasonably seasoned spectator over the years, since my partner was drafted to North Melbourne in 2013.

It was, unfortunately, not the first time I had heard a comment of this nature at the footy.

In this case, however, the interaction that followed with the man in the row behind me left me feeling surprisingly optimistic.

When he used the term “girls” as an insult he was being fair to neither men nor women. Although he didn’t mean to cause offence, his words were a reflection of wider problems within society.

I was glad my daughter couldn’t hear it. The crowd was, however, full of older little girls who could.

Language of this nature degrades both women’s strength and sporting prowess.

This language tells my daughter “you can’t” before she’s even had an opportunity to try.

The man’s comment was also unfair to men.

The player in question was concussed and left the field. He did not return to play.

It doesn’t matter how you identify or display your gender — we all feel pain.

Encouraging men to downplay their pain and hide emotions has serious consequences. The suicide rate of men in Australia, for example, is alarmingly high.

Hester Brown with husband and North Melbourne footballer Ben and baby Aila. Picture: Rebecca Michael

Our insistence on sticking to and demanding the performance of gender norms isn’t benefiting anyone.

Those that identify outside the binary are more likely still to experience violence and harassment. We are setting everyone up to lose.

I don’t tell this story as a means of demonising the man who sat behind me at the game.

He wasn’t intending to contribute to an unequal society.

I know this because I asked him.

His words frustrated me, so I turned around to face him.

He instantly apologised.

I also spoke to him.

“Have you ever seen the girls play?” I asked him. “They go hard.”

“I’m sorry,” he replied. “I love watching the women play. They’re fantastic! I’ve gone to loads of games.”

Although his initial comment was derogatory, his intent was not. I hope he will consider the message he is sending more carefully.

Speaking up when you hear disrespectful comments can also be challenging.

Sometimes it’s not advisable at all, and I would never recommend you risk your own safety.

However, where you feel safe, supported and comfortable, try standing up for what you believe in.

MORE: SUSIE O’BRIEN: SETKA MUST GO

RITA PANAHI: BIRTH CERTIFICATE GENDER PLAN IS LUNACY

Supporting women’s progress in sport, reflecting on the language we use, and challenging the attitudes and behaviours of those around us are some steps we can take.

If we all do this, we may just be able to create a society where all people are equal, regardless of gender.

I hope we get there in time for my daughter to grow up in a world where being a “girl” is never considered an insult.

Hester Brown is an Our Watch ambassador and wife of North Melbourne player Ben Brown.