Gary Martin: Why a relationship age gap is nobody else’s business

Few subjects spark as much heated debate as romantic relationships with an age gap. Isn’t it time we all acted our age?

Raise your hand if you have been out in public, gazed at a romantic couple with a largish age gap and

made a judgmental mental note about their situation.

Even as society increasingly embraces progressive views on love, relationships and marriage, prejudice against couples with significant age disparity remains strong.

Few subjects spark as much heated debate as the topic of romantic relationships with an age gap — usually defined as 10 years or more.

When we first start our search for a partner, we remain open-minded about an age gap. The same can’t be said when it comes to how we view large age gaps in others’ relationships.

When a family member or friend enters a relationship with an age gap, there’s a tendency to look down on the union.

Many assume a significant age gap reflects an imbalance of power.

Yet the reality is that small imbalances of power can be found in every relationship and only becomes an issue when it’s used to control or manipulate a partner.

So strong is the sentiment against relationships with large age gaps that we’ve developed language to express disapproval – derogatory labels such as toy boy, gigolo, cougar, sugar daddy and gold digger.

As we work to embrace diversity and inclusion it might be time to face an uncomfortable truth.

Negative outcomes such as breakups, arguments and general dissatisfaction with age gap relationships are rarely created by problems within a couple but result from pressures and judgments from family and friends.

Couples with age gaps often find it challenging to commit to a partner when people around them make clear that they disapprove of the union, exclude them from social activities and make unfair judgments about long-term prospects of the relationship. The success and longevity of every relationship is mostly determined by factors that have nothing to do with age: shared trust and goals, the ability to resolve conflicts and support each other.

The reason why people of different ages decide to enter a relationship will always remain unclear to those looking in from the outside.

What is clear is we should start to act our age ourselves, adopt a mature approach and avoid unfavourable judgments when a couple’s union doesn’t align with our own personal expectations.

Professor Gary Martin is a social affairs expert with the Australian Institute of Management