Alice Coster: Awkward moment I attempted to get a massage at a brothel

Looking back the red flags were all there but in my determination for a quickie – massage that is – I failed to realise a lower back was not the cheeky rub this business was offering.

“No. No. No service for you”

Being told “no” is not one of my strong suits, so not to be defeated I blundered on.

“Just quick one,” I said in that terrible broken accent one can tend to make when speaking to those with English as a second language.

“Sore here. Too much gym. Haha. Just thirty minute?” I said gesticulating wildly at my lower back.

Have gone from zero to 100, (another somewhat dubious trait) I was hunched over and hobbling from having gone too hard at the recent PT workouts in an attempt to get back into shape.

Looking back the red flags were all there. The thick crimson curtains from floor to ceiling concealing the shop front window. The “hot shower” and “oil massage” menu specials. The girl in the tight short black lacy dress and slippers shaking her head saying no should have also raised an alarm bell.

But determined I was and I was haggling for just a quickie.

“Expensive not right for you”

“No it’s okay okay just thirty minute,” I said pointing at the “relaxation” price list menu.

The red flags were all there that this was no regular massage parlour.

In the end she won, doubling the price as I looked on confused, as a smiling mechanic cat waved it’s one arm at me.

Yes I’d unwittingly stepped into a brothel that was doubling as a massage joint.

I’d been doing some weekend chores and saw the neon sign blinking at me while driving and thought hey I could squeeze in a cheeky rub for half an hour before anyone noticed.

But a lower back was not the er, cheeky rub they were offering.

It was not the first time either. As someone who loves a sneaky treatment, nails, facials, a hot spa or cold plunge you name it, I have found myself in dubious situations before.

Once after asking for an oil massage holidaying in Thailand I ended up with two women furiously rubbing my rather large bosoms clockwise in unison. Too shy, or middle class polite, to speak up (another pathetic trait) I mortified and horrified just let them carry on.

Turns out I’m not alone. In a video uploaded to TikTok on Sunday, Queensland mum Sophie was unable to contain her laughter as she explained that she went to what she thought was a massage parlour, only learning it doubled as a brothel after she left the venue.

“I went and just had a massage the other week after the gym. Since then I found out that it is … full service.”

Many people have revealed they also made similar awkward mistakes at what they thought were masseuses.

She said paying for the service was her first sign something might be a little awry.

“The EFTPOS machine was not working. I had to pay through Pay ID and then she had to call someone to make sure my money went through,” she said.

“They were probably so confused.”

In response, many of the commenters revealed they had made similar awkward mistakes at what they thought were masseuses.

“We did this in Bali. With our three kids. At ‘P***y Hut’. We were mortified when we realised,” one parent wrote.

“I did this. My back was so bad and my partner pulled up at a random massage place we saw. The lady gave me a lot of weird compliments and kissed my back. It was so weird I will never recover,” a second shared.

“Girl. I used to go to one place weekly until one day I saw three guys walking out and it clicked. It made so much sense when I realised, because some of the girls had no idea what they were doing when they were massaging,” a third wrote.

My lower back is still aching, but I’m thankful I dodged a bullet, as it wasn’t quite the happy end I was looking for.

Alice Coster is a Herald Sun columnist