‘Not the Australia I grew up in’: Nikki Osborne on why she left the country

We’ve gone from “she’ll be right” stoic heroes to families having “fisticuffs” over bog rolls in Coles. This is why I’m leaving Australia, writes Nikki Osborne.

I am about as patriotic as they come. I’m a born and bred Aussie who grew up on a steady diet of boating, camping, fishing, Weet-Bix and shark punching. I mean, I have a character called Bush Barbie.

I was absolutely enamoured with my country and would defend it as the greatest place on Earth.

Then Covid happened. What the hell Australia?! We went from “she’ll be right” stoic heroes to families having “fisticuffs” over bog rolls in Coles.

Nikki Osborne.

I appreciate it was unprecedented times, and I was not one “at risk” but what I witnessed was not the Australia I grew up in.

Now I don’t really blame the citizens of Oz for being afraid and taking precautions to protect themselves but the open display of division and disdain towards each other would’ve made my war veteran grandfather roll in his grave.

I think we can all agree it was a very yucky time. Fast forward to now where I write to you from Greece; that’s right, I’m currently a #eurowanker.

My husband and I decided during Covid it was time we sell up our house in Victoria with its rapidly increasing, unmanageable mortgage and show the kids the world, you know, before the comet hits.

We needed some perspective after being through the moralistic tumbledryer that was Covid. We left, open to the idea that we might make the permanent move to Europe. Yeah nah.

As beautiful as France is, and as much as I adore their ridiculously fast speed limits, good drivers and legalised long lunches, I do not understand their complete lack of manners. French service is an oxymoron. And, I’m going to cause controversy here, our food is better.

Nikki Osborne.

Unless you’re at a Michelin-star restaurant, dry steak and chips is often the only offering. What I’d have given to smash an avo smash. Uh! We joke about them but I will never ever take an Aussie cafe breakfast for granted EVER again.

Jump to England. The Poms have this reputation of being dry, droll, whinging … well, wankers. Nope. They’re lovely! I almost had an out-of-body experience when I went to the local dentist and was greeted with cheer and enthusiasm by both the staff and patients. It was like a scene from the film Hot Fuzz before the mass murder bit. I don’t get it. How could people who live in such an awful climate with woeful food be so chipper?

The entire time we were there it was 18C and rain. I was so miserable I asked my husband to knock me out with the hard, dry French stick in our car boot. Perhaps their joy is from the fact that no animals or sea creatures can kill them. The only thing that could kill them is pub food and disappointment.

And here we are in Greece. A stunning paradise that’s lost its power and water six times since we arrived and where you can’t put toilet paper in the toilet. You have to delicately place your shit tickets in the bin beside you. Greece, get your shit together. I went to a beautiful beach restaurant and what I witnessed in the toilet resembled something like a daycare horror scene. Poo streaks all over the bin lid.

However Greece has the coolest beach bars on the planet. Now I love our free beaches back home but we could add a few more bars on the beach. But no, we only have 26 million miles of beaches – we couldn’t possibly fit them. Plus there’s the red tape. So much red tape.

And this is my conclusion about my overseas findings so far. Australia is the best country but it is over-regulated. Our country has become a place where it only takes one idiot to ruin it for the many. Can’t we just call them an idiot and continue as responsible citizens? Agree?

Originally published as ‘Not the Australia I grew up in’: Nikki Osborne on why she left the country