Why do Australian politicians insist on humiliating themselves via sport? | Tom Bowden

Like a shopping trolley to a storm drain, Australian politicians can’t resist the magnetic pull of cringe-worthy sporting stunts, writes Tom Bowden.

I hate seeing things in places they don’t belong.

It’s not that I have OCD or anything – the quickest of glimpses of my work desk shoots about eleventy billion holes in that theory – but there’s something aesthetically pleasing about the right thing being in the right place. Everything belongs somewhere and has a ‘home’.

Take shopping trolleys for instance.

If I’m ever walking down the street and happen to come across a stray or abandoned grocery cart on the edge of the road or in a park I’ll always collect it, pushing it hundreds of metres – sometimes kilometres if need be – and gently return it into the nearest creek or stormwater drain. For that is it’s home and it deserves to be with its family.

Speaking of things that don’t belong, how about MPs and children’s sports?

Hard no, I reckon.

Case in point – anyone see Dutto throw a presser with some little kids in which he kicked a footy straight into one of the cameraman’s lens, leaving him with a nasty gash on his face?

Not a good look, Dutto.

And who could forget when ScoMo – a grown-ass man – ground that kid into the turf while playing soccer with some schoolkids? Classic comedy.

Opposition Leader Peter Dutton preparing to enter the Australian Politics Sporting Hall of Fame. Picture: NewsWire / Thomas Lisson

And remember John Howard’s bowling attempts while joining in a game of cricket with local children while visiting an earthquake-ravaged Pakistan in 2005?

Apparently the man decided they hadn’t suffered enough already.

And then there was Kevin Rudd, who took to a game of public school handball – or downball as it’s known there – with the level of unbridled joy we hadn’t seen repeated until Elon Musk hit the Trump campaign trail.

But it’s not just their participation in school sports MP’s should steer clear of making media opportunities out of – it’s all sports, I reckon.

Back in 1989, Bob Hawke came a cropper and copped some glass to the eye when a cricket ball smacked him in the face; Mark Latham and Johnny Howard held that public arm-wrestle-oh-no-wait-it’s-just-a-handshake; and Tony Abbott’s Speedo-ed midsection received far too much airtime back in the day for my liking.

Australian Prime Minister John Howard’s bowling efforts in Pakistan have entered Australian political folklore.

Bob Hawke displayed more convincing form in cricket match against press gallery in Canberra in 1984 and somehow came out even worse.

Another prime minister, Scott Morrison, absolutely poleaxes a kid.

I’m not sure it wins votes, and I’m not sure it belongs on the campaign trail.

Oh, and while I’m on the topic of MP media op activities that don’t belong, can we also rule out “using machinery I’m not qualified to operate” (although I admit I’ve watched that video of Scott Morrison lifting his welder visor to strike an arc more times than a man should), getting in hi-vis at every opportunity (the thing is, we don’t really want to see you and now you’re making us see you more), and holding babies (why do you need to touch them – just leave them alone)?

MPs, the cameras are always on you – most of the time because you’ve invited them there – so leave the ukulele at home, don’t eat your earwax, check what the sign behind you says before you stand in front of it, don’t make cat sounds at female speakers and, and I cannot stress this enough, don’t force people to shake your hand if they don’t want to, especially if you’re in a place where you so very clearly don’t belong.

And now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve just found one of those half-sized trolleys on the edge of the road.

That full-sized one in the reeds under the bridge I passed earlier must be worried sick …

Originally published as Why do Australian politicians insist on humiliating themselves via sport? | Tom Bowden