Opinion: Man-up blokes, it’s time to fight back with bracelets, beads and hair buns

MALE MPs are forced to turn out every day in regimental conformity. Any attempt to escape the fashion fascists with a dash of individuality is dealt with via public humiliation.

Even the forlorn consolation of a comb-over is now denied as men quiver at the matriarchy’s ferocious humiliation of Donald Trump. Picture: AAP

WHERE do beards go in election campaigns?

For that matter where do Hawaiian shirts depart to, and sandals and socks and green T-shirts with VB slogans and every other fashion atrocity beloved of middle-aged men?

The matriarchy will tell us the patriarchy are responsible for subjecting female politicians to an oppressive regimen in which dress and appearance are unfairly scrutinised.

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Yet, unquestionably, it’s men who labour most heavily under this brutal form of fascism which encourages public censor and ridicule of men’s height (John Howard), weight (Kim Beazley) and general physical attractiveness (retired senator Ron Boswell).

Male MPs, especially in campaign mode, are forced to turn out every day in regimental conformity, the ties and dress shirts resembling the uniform of a defeated and dispirited army.

Any attempt to escape the fashion fascists with a dash of individuality is dealt with swiftly via public humiliation, and if you believe that’s being a little melodramatic consider the response Bill Shorten would receive if he wore a bow tie to the Leaders Debate.

Male MPs are advised to be clean shaven and are with few exceptions, the pitiful rebellion of Chris Bowen ending when the first shots were fired in the election campaign.

Hair, if present, must conform to something resembling a military cut.

Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull during the ASEAN leaders Summit in Kuala Lumpur last year. Picture: Gary Ramage

If not present, or fading fast, even the forlorn consolation of a comb-over is now denied as men quiver at the matriarchy’s ferocious humiliation of Donald Trump.

Women, we have heard you roar, the time is now ripe for men to burn the bra, in a manner of speaking.

Chris should resume foresting his face, Barnaby Joyce should don a Hawaiian shirt and clutch a colourful parasol when the Wombat Trail takes him to warmer climes, while Malcolm Turnbull might consider a low-key, experimental, “beads and bracelets’’ approach to male jewellery.

As for Mathias Cormann, who seems to be shouldering a heavy load this campaign – it’s time to release the free spirit burning within and inspire men everywhere to join the rebellion.

The Finance Minister should grow a hair bun.

Originally published as Opinion: Man-up blokes, it’s time to fight back with bracelets, beads and hair buns