Bill Shorten’s ‘new’ speechwriter pens Minister’s NDIS response

Bill Shorten’s had a tough week, with criticism over how much his speechwriter is paid. Julie Cross imagines what a cheaper (perhaps less professional speechwriter) might produce.

Draft speech for Bill Shorten’s by his new (much cheaper) speechwriter

Dear Australia,

I really, really love the NDIS. But what I really, really don’t like are all those spivs and shonks in the system ruining my life and this wonderful scheme.

The NDIS has been a lifeline for all those with a disability – regardless of how many crooks enjoy a luxury lifestyle on the back of your hard earned dollars.

But what I want you to know is that for the past two years I have been getting the NDIS back on track. That was until this annoying John Dardo guy, chief of integrity or something, told everyone how really, really bad it is.

Apparently, NDIS cash is being spent on heroin and ice and every other drug available.

‘You name it, you can get it,’ he says.

And, if that’s not bad enough, taxpayers’ money is also being splurged on alcohol, prostitutes, holidays and new cars.

Minister for NDIS Bill Shorten. Picture: NCA NewsWire / Martin Ollman

That’s outrageous. It is illegal. It must stop.

People say I should have known how bad it was, but it’s not my fault.

For one, it wasn’t in any of my speeches, so how was I to know? All I know is that I am getting the NDIS back on track. (Editing note – emphasise the repetition).

Some people may say I should have sorted this out by now. Yes, I have been in the job 24 months.

But I want to make it very clear, this is all the fault of the Coalition.

It is very unfair to blame me.

Again, as I have said hundreds of times since starting the job 738 days ago, I am getting the NDIS back on track and I will put an end to these rorts, which now appear to have risen to $2 billion a year.

That’s nothing compared to the $40b a year it costs to run the thing.

And don’t try and link me to that very expensive speechwriter. I’ve now got a new, much cheaper one.

*This week’s column is a satirical look at Mr Shorten’s week following revelations that a speechwriter was paid $310,000 a year to write his speeches.

Originally published as Bill Shorten’s ‘new’ speechwriter pens Minister’s NDIS response