‘I lived in fear’: Wil Anderson reveals why he was so scared of Covid

Wil Anderson was terrified of Covid during the pandemic - and in a new book, he reveals why.

I tried not to live in fear of Covid, but the truth is I was afraid of it. I still am. It’s hard to believe there was a time I wasn’t, but a man who I patted on the head will beg to differ.

But early on I was less afraid of catching the virus, I was more afraid of appearing in the newspaper with a Covid timeline.

One of the things I know about the media is that once you have a timeline you are in trouble, and at the start of the pandemic the media loved a timeline.

I am glad we have moved on from the public shaming that was so common at the start. Every time there was a case identified in the community, the newspapers would print a timeline of everything that person had done in the previous few days.

Wil Anderson.

I understand that people were afraid of the virus, but I lived in fear of that timeline. It felt so unfair. It was not their fault they had caught a virus we now know can get to anyone no matter how careful they are, and while they were worried about possibly dying from a deadly virus no one knew much about, they were at the same time dealing with everyone else judging their life choices.

And judge we did.

Their life was on display for judgment. “This guy checks out too many barbecues – just buy a barbecue and go home, mate!”

We don’t really do that for other diseases. “This man has skin cancer. Well, let’s publish a timeline of where he has been. Has he been out in the sun? With his complexion? Did he Slip, Slop, Slap? Did he wear a wide-brimmed hat or just a cap? Why are his ears so weird? And did you see this receipt? Apparently he bought a giant tub of Vaseline and a roast chicken. What a pervert!”

I don’t think any of us would really like our whole lives taken out of context for public inspection. I have stuff to hide. We all have stuff to hide.

So for a while I lived my life purely based on how it would look in the newspaper. I tried not to do anything embarrassing, but if I did I immediately went into self-imposed lockdown. “Sorry, I can’t go out for a couple of days, I did something really stupid this morning and I don’t want to read about it in the paper.”

Comedian Will Anderson. Picture: Wayne Taylor

I wasn’t too worried because I followed the rules, but like most people I had the rare occasion when for whatever reason I thought the rules did not apply to me. One of those was the first time I was tested for Covid.

I went to the local hospital where the testing centre had been set up and I was the only one there.

I was greeted by the doctor wielding a cotton bud. She had obviously been rehearsing for this moment.

“Now, I need to warn you, this is going to tickle a little.” And then she asked something I hadn’t expected. “Have you ever had wasabi?”

I nodded my head. I didn’t think this was the time to mention I had once eaten sushi with my cat.

She said, “Well, it’s just going to feel like you have had too much wasabi.”

I told her I appreciated the warning, but as a professional stand-up comedian of 25-plus years I could guarantee her I had had worse things up my nose.

In fact, you can put anything up there as long as it isn’t pollen, because if I get any of that in there my immune system thinks trees are trying to murder me. After I had the test, they told me that technically under the rules I now had to go home and isolate until I got the result.

This was one of those moments when you understand why the rule exists: if there is any suspicion you have something, then you should isolate so you don’t spread it. But that was not me. I was just doing the right thing for work.

If I hadn’t had the test I would have been free to move around the community, so I didn’t think I should be penalised just because I was doing the right thing.

Wil Anderson on stage.

In the end, I compromised. I decided I would only do the things that were absolutely necessary and then stay home for the rest of it.

Unfortunately, one of the things I did have to do was go to an open house for a real estate inspection. I had some friends who were looking to move to an area near where we lived, but they were currently in lockdown in another city. So I needed to go and check out the house for them. Always good to send the eagle eye of a man who can’t identify a wood pile on his own property. Real details man, me.

But I convinced myself it was the right thing to do because I was doing something nice for my friends, and I was masked and incredibly careful. I really couldn’t concentrate on checking out the house properly, because the whole time I was thinking, “This would look terrible on a timeline. A real estate open home? Who do you think you are – Dave Hughes?”

For two years I postponed more shows than I performed. It had been months since I had been on stage, but there were two shows in my calendar that hadn’t been cancelled. Well, that wasn’t entirely true; scheduled in 2020, they were postponed to 2021, and looked like they were going to finally go ahead.

The shows were in Wagga Wagga at the Wagga Wagga Comedy Festival.

That did raise a big question: How was I going to get there? My immediate thought was that I couldn’t fly. I just didn’t feel ready to risk a sequel, but more importantly I was worried about Covid and flying didn’t feel safe at the time. I know airlines make you wear a mask. But they do let you take it off for meals. I am no scientist but I suspect that method doesn’t fool Covid. It would be great if it turned out that you couldn’t catch Covid when you were eating and drinking, but if that were true then there wouldn’t have been so many cases in America.

So anyway, I decided I would drive. I knew that the drive was possible; that’s how I had got back home from Wagga Wagga last time.

Actually I decided I would drive to Sydney myself, and then get a driver to take me the rest of the way. I almost considered hiring a limo so I could roll into town standing up with my head out the sunroof. It would be good for my back and Covid-safe.

I had two shows booked Saturday and Sunday nights and they were both sold out.

I decided I would drive out my winding road on the Friday and down to Sydney. Then I could get up Saturday morning and get driven to Wagga for the show. I packed some food so I wouldn’t have to stop anywhere along the way, and made it to Sydney.

Wil Anderson.

When I woke up on Saturday morning I realised I had no milk, so I thought I would go out for a walk and a coffee. That was allowed under the rules and I thought it was pretty low risk. There were no Sydney cases at the time.

There were three places to grab a coffee at the local village shops, but in my opinion there was one clear standout.

When I got close I realised the place I wanted to go to had a long line and I considered going to one of the other places, but instead did another lap of the block and waited for the line to get shorter. Coffee in hand, I headed home, got picked up and headed to Wagga Wagga.

I was pretty nervous about the show that night, but I shouldn’t have been. It was amazing. I was feeling pretty proud of what I had achieved, when I woke up the next day and saw the news that there was a new Covid infection in the community, a case that ended up sparking a huge spike in Sydney and shutting down the city.

The poor man who had a timeline was dubbed the Sydney Limo Driver, and on his timeline for Saturday morning was a stop at my local shops for a coffee.

S--t. S--t. S--t. S--t. He had coffee at the same village, in vaguely the same time period. The only good news was that he hadn’t gone to the exact same cafe, but to the one a few doors down with the shorter line. I was still panicking. What if I brushed by him or something? What if I had Covid, and even worse, what if I took it to Wagga Wagga?

Also, I knew my timeline would not look great. I had performed to 1000 unmasked people and then walked the streets of Wagga Wagga all day long.

I didn’t end up having Covid. It turned out that the limo driver actually stopped for his slightly inferior coffee an hour after I had picked up mine.

But it did make me think how amazing it was that the Australian government spent $9 million on a CovidSafe app that didn’t find one case, but I nearly tripped over one on the way to the shops.

Wil Anderson;s new book.

This is an edited extract from I Am NOT Fine, Thanks by Wil Anderson, Allen&Unwin, $33,  out Tuesday (Nov 1)

Originally published as ‘I lived in fear’: Wil Anderson reveals why he was so scared of Covid