Angela Mollard: Mute men need to speak up to talk through gender divide

While #MeToo was a reckoning we needed, it’s also deeply divided genders - with men now terrified of saying the wrong thing, writes Angela Mollard.

For a long time I couldn’t work out if his comment was stupid or rude.

“You’re a great woman Angela,” said the man at a Christmas party. “Why are you always at these things on your own.”

Was it a compliment or an insult? I’d separated from my husband three years earlier and had begun a new relationship with a man who lived interstate. He wasn’t at the party and I wasn’t bothered about it. Well, until this bloke, who I’d known for several years, mentioned it.

I was dumbstruck. And annoyed. It was all very well for him cocooned in his happy marriage but I was navigating a social life without someone by my side. But here’s the thing: I’d rather a man talked to me and messed up rather than not speak, which is where we now find ourselves.

Many men are now mute in social settings, at least when it comes to speaking with women, and while fellow columnist Nikki Gemmell last week argued that men were now non-conversational due to a lack of curiosity, I disagree. Men don’t engage in banter or conversation, let alone flirting with women, not because they’re indifferent but because they’re terrified of saying the wrong thing.

Men no longer engage in banter or conversation, let alone flirting with women, not because they’re indifferent but because they’re terrified of saying the wrong thing. Picture: iStock

You see it in their bodies. Tense, upright, careful in case a hand accidentally brushes against a woman or an eye mistakenly alights on her cleavage, they’re in permanent defence mode. There’s none of the languor of old; none of the storytelling lest it be interpreted as mansplaining. And that’s your ordinary bloke. A couple of CEOs of my acquaintance are so concerned about saying the wrong thing they rarely socialise.

Next year marks a decade since #MeToo and, while it was a reckoning we needed, it’s also deeply divided genders.. Picture: AFP Photo/Bertrand Guay

Next year marks a decade since #MeToo and, while it was a reckoning we needed, it’s also deeply divided genders. That, coupled with a pronounced polarisation in ideologies – more women skew left – has left us siloed.

Yet surely it’s not good for anyone when men self-silence or retreat into their caves. You see them nervously engaging in small talk with women but visibly relaxing as soon as they enfold back with other men. There, they are the blokes of old, laughing and quipping, even if the subject matter is as innocuous as fitness protocols or footy scores. Are they now the ones seeking a safe space?

“Remember when it was always men who asked women out,” notes a friend. “Now making the first move is almost criminalised. Men are too worried it’ll be interpreted as unwanted sexual harassment.”

Says another: “Depending on who’s at a dinner or BBQ, even simple questions asked of many women are regarded as creepy and suspect.”

If this is the prevailing view – my suspicion, it is – then we need to talk about it because returning to the Jane Austen era when the genders barely spoke to each other doesn’t serve any of us. I don’t want to spend my life only chatting with women or in banal conversations with men because they’re afraid I’ll take offence.

But for some boorishness – and women can be just as guilty – I enjoy conversations with men. Some have niche and interesting hobbies, others are hugely knowledgeable about history or sport, and the best interlocutors are adept at the layering that makes for a satisfying conversation. Plus I want to find out stuff I don’t know about.

Last Sunday, after my usual spot on Sunrise, I nabbed sports commentators Brett Kimmorley and Matt Carmichael because I wanted to understand the furore over Daly Cherry-Evans. I’m a union rather than a league fan but my younger daughter supports the Sea Eagles. I wanted intel so I could chat to her about it. Brett and Matt were brilliant, explaining the power play between managers and how DCE’s resignation had evolved.

I don’t believe, as Nikki suggests, that men are “clueless”. Rather, they’re so focused on steering clear of “toxic masculinity” they’re muting themselves in the process.

Aimee Lou Wood’s character Chelsea tells Patrick Schwarzenegger’s Saxon when he’s being a “douche” in The White Lotus.

And those on the dating scene are clearly confused. As Logan Ury, behavioural scientist and director of relationship science at dating app Hinge, told the Diary of a CEO podcast: “Traditionally women seek partners who have more economic or social status than they do. And emotional intelligence is the new currency in dating. But these guys were raised not to be emotionally intelligent, but to be a provider.”

When rejected, she said, they turned into themselves or went online. Surely the solution is to talk about it? Just as Aimee Lou Wood’s character Chelsea tells Patrick Schwarzenegger’s Saxon when he’s being a “douche” in The White Lotus, and a friend of mine called out a married man who always complains he’s getting no sex.

Last year I spoke to the bloke who pointed out I was always at events by myself. I was honest and told him his comment, years earlier, had made me feel uncomfortable at a time of my life that was challenging enough. He took it on board. We’ve had great convos ever since.

ANGE’S A-LIST

Irish Charm

How is it I’d never heard of Irish band Picture This? The Indie pop rock quartet write gorgeous songs with charming lyrics, notably Take My Hand, which they originally recorded on an iPhone.

Green Inspo

If you’re trying to add more vegetables to your repertoire follow @boroughchef on Insta. Beth Adamson posts delicious recipes, transforming broccoli, kale and pulses into hearty meals.

Originally published as Angela Mollard: Mute men need to speak up to talk through gender divide