Adelaide Cabaret Festival star Joanne Hartstone reveals she was dumped weeks before her wedding
Bride-to-be Joanne Hartstone shares what it feels like to be jilted – and how she focused on a unique silver lining.
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South Australian theatre maker Joanne Hartstone was about to walk down the aisle 12 years ago when her fiance surprised her …
I was dumped six weeks before my wedding.
I was busy doing all the pre-wedding things. I was thinking blindly that things were going to end up ‘happily ever after’ but looking back I realised ‘Well, he was going out until two in the morning …’
A few weeks away from getting married to someone is the time you are so excited and bonded with them but, on reflection, I didn’t feel that way because he was pulling away.
The only thing he could do was blow it up.
It was on a Sunday and I had come back after walking my dog, and he created a story to get out of marrying me. He didn’t just say ‘I don’t want to get married’.
I left to go and see my friend Annie and she gave me some sage advice: ‘Breathe and hold on.’
I came back an hour later and he had gone.
The next day, I was stuck on the couch, crying.
Within four days, I had gone from buying bridesmaids dresses to him moving out.
It was over … and suddenly I didn’t have anything to do except cancel things and to tell people. After that it was almost like wading through honey; time stood still and I was in shock. I didn’t recognise myself, I was humiliated, sad, angry. I was in such emotional trauma that I had to try and find my way out of it, so I started to do what I always do … to write, to create.
I had a secret weapon: My mother, who just happens to be a well-respected psychologist.
Mum and I would talk a lot, and I would tell her what I was feeling. It was great therapy because she would say, ‘This is a normal reaction to an abnormal experience’.
I started to write a self help guide, The Smart Girl’s Guide to Breaking Up.
Its advice includes turning your phone off at night, cuddling the dog, eating something green …
Some people get a massage but I didn’t want anyone to touch me, anyone to hug me.
I also had to dominate my space, so I was rearranging furniture at 2am to make the house my own.
Reminding myself I was a social creature was important too, so I asked friends to come around … friends I knew would be really safe if I just sort of sat there like a zombie.
It took a few weeks but I started to feel okay again. But the wedding day was looming.
Unfortunately, I got an email of congratulations from the bridal shop on my wedding day because I was in their system. But, that day, my friends threw a backyard barbecue. It was silly and fun, we had some drinks, there was music and a fire pit at one point of the evening … it was really good.
But this isn’t where the story ends, because there was also a honeymoon week to get through …
I hadn’t needed to go anywhere really exotic, because you know, honeymoons aren’t necessarily for the views, so to speak. Organising the honeymoon was to be one of his responsibilities but he never really planned it, so I had to get through that period knowing that no effort was ever made – deliberately.
I didn’t rush into any new relationships.
After you’ve been in a relationship for five years you feel disloyal to make eye contact or even appreciate the way another man looks.
So instead I invested in my career, which included producing shows at the Edinburgh Fringe, where I also had a ‘hot girl summer’.
(Editor’s note: Anna asks Joanne if she had a ‘hot girl summer’ in which she fell in love with herself and she says ‘yes’.)
That’s what I needed because when you’re in a relationship with someone who isn’t reciprocating, it’s hard to love yourself. It’s like you are Ginger Rogers reaching for Fred Astaire when he’s dancing backwards.
After a few years on the Adelaide-Edinburgh Fringe cycle, I had an epiphany.
I said to myself, ‘I’m doing so much work for other people, for their solo shows or small productions’.
And I had to remind myself, ‘Hang on, I’ve got stories to tell as well, and I’m a performer. Get up on stage!’. So I did.
I’ve been in films, including Deadline Gallipoli, performed in New York, London, Edinburgh and won so many exciting, memorable awards, and I wouldn’t have done any of that if I had got married.
A few years ago, I said to Annie and Jess, my two girlfriends who are both amazing artists, ‘What about writing The Smart Girl’s Guide to Breaking Up as a cabaret show?’ And we did.
Our songs have a 1960s doo-wop inspired style, because when you think of self-help books, you often think of that era – like how to be a good housewife, except this is how to have a good break up. And the show is really funny!
It’s a little bit about heartbreak but also about resilience and rediscovering life again … It’s also a love story about friendship.
A Frank Ford Commission, The Smart Girl’s Guide to Breaking Up starring Joanne Hartstone, Annie Slade and Jess Beck plays Space Theatre June 14 and 15 as part of the Adelaide Cabaret Festival.
Tickets: adelaidefestivalcentre.com.au
Originally published as Adelaide Cabaret Festival star Joanne Hartstone reveals she was dumped weeks before her wedding
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