Women are going childfree – and it’s none of your business | Emily Olle

Women who choose to be childfree remain met with disbelief, criticism or even vitriol – but the same pressure isn’t placed on men, writes Emily Olle.

To have children, or to selfishly abscond from a woman’s purpose to live an unfulfilled, child-free life? That’s not quite the question, but it’s often the response when answering the harmlessly intended, “So when are you having kids?” with an emphatic, “Probably never!”

The decision not to have children is on the rise – the birthrate in the US is currently at a 35-year low, while the Australian Bureau of Statistics’ 2022 survey found that one in four households are now childfree.

In fact, Australia currently ranks eighth highest in the world when measuring countries with the most childfree couples, with Spain taking the top spot.

With the climate crisis impending, cost of living soaring and the ‘Australian dream’ of home ownership eroding, it’s little surprise that Millennials are shunning the expectation of child rearing.

But those who choose to be childfree, particularly women, remain met with disbelief, criticism or even vitriol. Society attaches morality to the decision to not have children, labelling it a shortcoming, selfishness or immaturity.

When was the last time you heard someone asked to justify why they want children? Or why they have them? Why is parenthood the default? Considering it is the most important decision you will ever make – not for yourself, but for the young life you could impact.

Jessica Ivers, 33, is in a relationship but doesn’t want to have children. Picture: Nicki Connolly

READ MORE: SA couples share their decision to be childfree by choice

Those with children often say things along the lines of, “You don’t understand true love unless you have children”, as though a mini-me is the gatekeeper of a meaningful life.

Notwithstanding the cruelty of that statement to those who want children but cannot, it wholly ignores the reality that a child is no guarantee of a family. To believe you can only find fulfilment in children is to believe that no other relationship holds the same importance.

When said by women, the phrase “I don’t want to have children” is met with disbelief – perhaps because it forces people to confront their own decisions and expectations of societal roles.

It’s unlikely I’ll escape the next few paragraphs without being drawn and quartered by those who disagree, but the discussion around the choice to be childfree cannot be had without mention of gender.

Both the pressure to have and burden of raising children lies overwhelmingly with women. Often, men are praised for saying they want kids while women are condemned for saying they don’t.

In one of parliament‘s most staggering displays of sexism, former Prime Minister Julia Gillard was once labelled “unfit for leadership” by Liberal Senator Bill Heffernan because she was “deliberately barren”.

Men hold a level of vitriol held toward women who decide to shun the expectation of reproduction because it threatens their control.

In 1970, in The Dialectic of Sex, Shulamith Firestone wrote: “the heart of women’s oppression is her child bearing and child rearing role”.

Historically, motherhood has halted women’s participation in work and politics because of the patriarchal systems imposed by men.

There’s a phrase I’ve heard more than a dozen times in the last year in conversations with older women. “Before I had kids, I would have been …”

Many who became mothers in decades past, children were the crossroad away from the career they hoped to have.

For many women who now choose not to have children, it’s so they can say, “I did what I wanted to do”.

Women predominantly bear the brunt of child rearing. Picture: iStock

In 2023, we have made leaps and bounds in helping women balance motherhood and their own lives – and the choice (albeit an incredibly challenging one) exists to be a working mother or a stay-at-home mother.

But the reality is that, in many situations, the emotional and physical responsibility of children remains on the woman.

Men are praised for ‘babysitting’ their own kids, they escape the 24/7 mental labour of maintaining a household and are offered the escape of social lives and work. Women are expected to sacrifice themselves for the next generation.

Many men cannot understand the guilt and pressure that come with choosing to have or not have children, because they will never have to bear the full burden of their decision.

They are not labelled selfish for not doing so, because they were never expected to be selfless in the first place.

Having children can be life-changing, fulfilling and an incredible joy – but not having children can offer the same. Women should feel empowered and supported in whichever decision they make, motherhood or otherwise.

Perhaps its time we stopped attaching moral judgment to the decision to have or not to have children and instead, perhaps, focus on how we can build up our own communities – kid-free or not.

Originally published as Women are going childfree – and it’s none of your business | Emily Olle