Chantelle Otten: Why intimacy is the missing ingredient in the bedroom
And how to bring it back
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We talk about sex a lot – positions, techniques, frequency. There’s no shortage of tips and tricks out there. But what if the key to better sex wasn’t a new move or technique, but something much deeper? That missing ingredient is intimacy.
And if you’re feeling like intimacy is on the back burner in your relationship, you’re not alone. The Body+Soul 2024 Sex Census found that intimacy was the number one thing Australians wanted more of in the bedroom – more than better stamina, wilder positions, or anything else. This tells us that people aren’t just craving more sex; they’re craving deeper connection.
As a sexologist, I see this all the time. So many couples love each other but feel like something is missing. And when I ask what their sex life looks like, they’ll say, “Well, we’re doing it, but it doesn’t feel the same.” That’s because sex without intimacy can feel like a performance rather than an experience.
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What even is intimacy?
Intimacy isn’t just about sex. While sex can be an expression of intimacy, the real deal is about closeness, connection, and trust. It’s about feeling safe, seen, and valued, both in and out of the bedroom.
There are different forms of intimacy, and if one is missing, chances are your sex life will feel a little off. Emotional intimacy is about sharing feelings and being vulnerable. Physical intimacy includes non-sexual touch – holding hands, hugging, cuddling, even when it’s not leading to sex.
Sexual intimacy is about expressing desires and feeling safe in pleasure. Intellectual intimacy comes from deep conversations and sharing ideas, while experiential intimacy develops through shared activities and meaningful experiences.
And here’s where it gets tricky: life gets in the way. Between cost-of-living stress, doom-scrolling on social media, and the never-ending work-life juggle, it’s easy to feel more connected to your phone than your partner. Dopamine hits from notifications, emails, and TikTok videos hijack the reward system in our brain, leaving us overstimulated yet disconnected. If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
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Why intimacy feels harder than ever
Ever feel like you’re going through the motions in your relationship? Maybe sex has started feeling transactional, or like it’s just another task to tick off. You are not broken, and neither is your relationship. The truth is, we live in a world that prioritises performance over presence.
Research suggests that intimacy develops differently depending on the relationship dynamic. In heterosexual relationships, men often associate intimacy more with physical touch, while women tend to crave emotional closeness before sex feels desirable. This mismatch can create frustration on both sides - one partner wants connection through sex, while the other needs connection before sex.
Meanwhile, studies on same-sex couples show that open communication is often a game-changer. Research published in The Journal of Marriage and Family found that same-sex couples tend to discuss their desires more openly, leading to greater relationship and sexual satisfaction. This tells us that honest conversations are key, no matter what type of relationship you’re in.
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How to bring intimacy back without making it awkward
The good news is, you don’t need to overhaul your entire relationship. It starts with small, everyday moments of connection.
#1. Intimacy starts outside the bedroom
If sex feels disconnected, look at how you’re interacting throughout the day. Are you just talking about bills, schedules, and what’s for dinner? Or are you actually checking in on each other?
Next time you’re together, put your phone down, look your partner in the eye, and ask, “How are you really?” Then actually listen.
Studies show that small, affectionate gestures - like touching, cuddling, or even sending a flirty text - increase relationship satisfaction and emotional connection. That random forehead kiss or lingering hug? It matters.
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#2. Vulnerability is sexy
If intimacy is missing, there’s often an underlying fear of being fully seen. Maybe it’s body image concerns, past relationship baggage, or just not knowing how to ask for what you need. But honesty is one of the most powerful tools you have in your relationship.
Instead of faking enthusiasm for sex that doesn’t excite you, try being real. If something isn’t working, say it. If you need more foreplay, different types of touch, or just more emotional closeness before sex can feel good, communicate that.
Not sure how to start? Try: “I love when we’re close, and I want to explore ways to make our intimacy feel even better. What makes you feel most connected to me?”
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#3. Slow down
If sex has started feeling mechanical, hit the pause button. Instead of rushing to the main event, explore pleasure at a slower pace. This could mean focusing on non-sexual touch, extending foreplay, or even taking penetration off the table for a while.
A study in Archives of Sexual Behavior found that couples who engaged in extended foreplay and focused on touch rather than rushing to intercourse reported higher levels of sexual satisfaction. So yes, slowing down can actually make sex better.
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#4. Make space for playfulness
Somewhere along the way, we started treating intimacy like serious business. But flirting, teasing, and laughing together are just as important as deep conversations.
Try reminiscing about your early dating days, playing a fun intimacy game, or even just having a glass of wine and asking each other cheeky questions. Shared laughter increases attraction and emotional closeness, according to research in Personal Relationships.
The bottom line: Intimacy first, sex later
If your sex life feels off, it’s not just about sex—it’s about intimacy. And intimacy isn’t just about making deep eye contact during sex. It’s about presence over performance, curiosity over pressure, and connection over routine.
Rather than stressing over techniques or frequency, focus on deepening your connection. Prioritise small moments of closeness, have honest conversations, and stop treating intimacy as an afterthought. Because the best sex – the kind that leaves you feeling deeply fulfilled – starts with intimacy first.
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Originally published as Chantelle Otten: Why intimacy is the missing ingredient in the bedroom
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