'Why do I have an urge to leave the group chat?'

Put it on mute

Do you ever get so overwhelmed with notifications that you feel ready to throw in the towel on technology altogether? We may be digitally plugged in, but this writer makes a case for carving out space away from the group chat, in the name of your own wellbeing. 

It happens to the best of us. One night, we’re sitting there and sending silly messages, yapping away, and regaling our dating trauma tales to our besties in the group chat. 

But the next, we might sit there as the messages flood in and feel less than giddy, with a weird and sad thought flowing through our heads telling us that we should up and leave the group chat altogether.

If you’ve never felt that feeling – congratulations! Welcome! But if you have, you also know the confusing feelings and emotions that can come from being in a group chat, especially if you’ve contemplated leaving it.

It can happen in the most varied of circumstances. Sometimes, it’s when you’ve realised those friendships might not be serving you in that current moment. But other times it can be more of a convoluted feeling, especially when the group chat is filled with people you love and adore.

Ahead, we speak with a psychologist about why we might have an overwhelming urge to leave a group chat – and what you can do about it. 

Why do we have an urge to leave the group chat? Image: Pexels

Why do we have an urge to leave the group chat?

Psychologist Carly Dober explains that there are many reasons why we might have an overwhelming urge to hit that big red ‘Leave chat’ button.

Some of them, of course, are understandable and even practical, especially if we’re misaligned with the purpose or the people in the chat. “We might not have wanted to be in the group chat in the first place, or one or more people in the group chat send tens and tens of unimportant updates daily which can make people feel overwhelmed when trying to catch up,” Dober tells Body+Soul. 

But there are also those times when the group chat has outstayed its welcome, continuing long beyond its expiry date. You know the ones: the group chat for that holiday that never happened, or hangout that never quite made its way onto our calendars.

But what about those times where we’re itching to leave a group chat that’s filled with all of our loved ones? 

It can happen in the most varied of circumstances. Image: iStock

It sounds contradictory at first – after all, why would you want to isolate yourself from your mates or family? – but there’s also a pretty understandable reason why some of us occasionally feel that urge to isolate ourselves from our loved ones. 

According to Dober, one of the reasons why we might try and self-sabotage our relationships by leaving group chats can be brought on by feelings of disconnection and loneliness. 

“Feeling disconnected or lonely can happen at times in people‘s lives and these are normal human experiences. This can be helped or hindered by all forms of in-person and digital communication, including things like group chats,” Dober explains. 

“Sometimes people might wish to leave because they’re feeling like there’s a lot of chatter going on, but none of it is personal and none of it is meaningful,” she continues.

But what about those times where we’re itching to leave a group chat that’s filled with all of our loved ones? Image: iStock

There are many reasons why we might feel this way, including from being overstimulated, unsatisfied in our friendships, or even just plain old annoyance. This might make us want to test things out, like seeing if people notice we leave group chats, or prompting feelings of being left out or not core members of the group chat. 

“Our minds can also tell us unhelpful and untrue things when we are feeling this way that can leave these feelings to fester and sometimes even breed resentment,” Dober says. “People might lash out or pick fights if they’re feeling this way.”

Loneliness is a big factor in behaviour like this, explains Dober. “One-third of Australians feel lonely some or all of the time.”

Because of this, Dober encourages us to explore the real motivations for why we might want to leave the chat. Has it run its course? Or is it your brain being mean to you? “It’s important to understand how group chats, your friendships, your efforts and motivation to maintain these relationships all help or hinder that feeling,” she reiterates.

One of the reasons why we might try and self-sabotage our relationships by leaving group chats can be brought on by feelings of disconnection and loneliness. Image: iStock

What should we do when we want to leave a group chat?

So, you've got the itch. What next? The first step is pausing and evaluating whether we really want to be in the chat. Is it a case of not aligning with the people or the purpose of the chat, or something a little deeper?

“Evaluate if you ever wanted to be in the group chat in the first place. Often if we never really wanted to, that will tell us all we need to know,” Dober says. 

She also encourages us to think through how we’ve been feeling as of late. Do you only feel bad when you’re looking at the group chat? Or have things been more sh*tty across the board?

“Have a think about how much communication and social interaction you have online and offline when you’re feeling your best, most connected, and most mentally and socially well,” she explains. “If this has been different lately, this may mean that there are some unresolved issues that might be colouring your thinking or motivation.”

Think through the consequences of leaving the chat before you hit the big red button. Image: iStock

Additionally, Dober recommends that we think through the consequences of leaving the chat before we hit the big red button, especially if it will make maintaining friendships and relationships more difficult. 

“Have a think about what kind of effort you might have to make offline if you are going to leave group chats, and how you will maintain the relationships that you want to maintain online so that people do not feel like you’re not interested in them or you’re not wanting to be as close to them,” she says. “Then consider talking to one or a few people in the group chat to see if they feel the same.

"There might be some flexible group rules that could be established so people aren’t overloading everyone’s phones with one-way monologues that leave everyone annoyed or drained.”

When in doubt, mute the chat until you’ve sorted your feelings (don’t worry, your mates won’t even know!).

The first step is pausing and evaluating whether we really want to be in the chat. Is it a case of not aligning with the people or the purpose of the chat, or something a little deeper? Image: iStock

How to figure out if that group chat is good for you

Sometimes, when we put our phone down and really reflect on what’s happening in our group chats, it might make us feel a little weird or downright bad. But there are some ways we might be able to really uncover whether it's the group chat that’s making us feel bad – or something else entirely. 

“Have a think about the types of conversations that are taking place in the group chat. If the themes are really negative and they talk down on people or you feel drained when reading them, this could be an indication that the virtual space is not nice, fun, supportive and inviting to be in,” Dober says.

She also encourages us to consider how connected we feel to our mates in the group chat, giving us permission to say ‘see ya’ if we think they’re not really big value-adds to our lives.

“We don’t have to stay in group chats when we don’t want to, especially when we don’t feel too connected to the people and it’s not really adding anything to our lives.”

You may need to be a little more honest with your friends about complex emotions you're feeling. Image: iStock

But if we think that we’d feel lonely, upset or sad to not hear from these people, it might be a sign that we need to be a little more honest with our friends about complex emotions we’re feeling. 

“You can share how you’re feeling with the group chat. I think we can all be a lot more honest and we can design these group chats to be reflective of each member who’s participating in them.”

Originally published as 'Why do I have an urge to leave the group chat?'