What to do if you're no longer attracted to your partner

Can you bring the shine back to your relationship?

It can be guilt-inducing to realise you’re struggling to find your partner as attractive as you once did. But Sydney-based sexologist Georgia Grace says there is hope to get your relationship back on track.

The intensity of your attraction to your partner can wane; you may be stressed or have had a fight, you may have seen your partner wearing a lycra cycling suit. But it can feel concerning when you catch yourself losing interest in your significant other.

You can feel such strong levels of attraction to new partners at the beginning of relationships, when you’re excited and flirty and new. Of course the things you’re attracted to in your partner can change as the relationship progresses, but when is it a warning sign? And what can you do to get back to how you felt early on?

It's normal to not feel attracted to your partner

Sexologist Georgia Grace tells Body+Soul that losing attraction to your partner “Is actually pretty common for people, especially in longer-term relationships. At the start of the relationship, they may be really into their partner. You know, the first one-to-two years, sex is really thrilling, it's really exciting, it's novel.”

She says you need to normalise talking about changes in attraction, as many people “Go through stages where they're no longer feeling attracted to their partner or desiring of sex, and that's okay.” 

“I think this is a really challenging conversation to have because it's quite devastating for people when they feel that their partner is no longer attracted to them. They may blame their body, they may blame who they are as a sexual person”.

She insists there needs to be a shift away from blame and shame to empathy, as is a “responsibility for all people involved to work on this”. So what can you do when the shine starts to wear off? 

Many people go through stages where they're no longer feeling attracted to their partner or desiring of sex. Image: Pexels

Identify when things changed

In her sessions with clients struggling with this, Grace tries to help them figure out what’s changed for them, and when. 

She says people will sometimes identify that their level of attraction to their partner “changed because they moved in together or it changed because they were really stressed at work… some people will also say it changed when they started a new medication.”

“So we need to track when they think or where they feel things change because that will support us in understanding the context more and things that they may be able to do.” 

While there is no one-size-fits-all solution to this challenge, there is hope.

Peoples' level of attraction to their partner can change after moving in together, due to stress at work, or new medication. Image: Pexels

Understanding the way your desire works

The sexologist believes understanding the different types of desire and the way they work is important when working to renew interest in your partner.

“Often people expect that desire will always be spontaneous”, she says, “but actually there is a more common way of experiencing desire, and that's responsive desire”.

“That looks at all the stimulus that they need in order to bring sex front of mind… sometimes we need to be more active in creating this context.” 

This may include things as simple as flirty texts, kissing to build anticipation or romantic gestures. 

The sexologist believes understanding the different types of desire and the way they work is important when working to renew interest in your partner. Image: Pexels

Take a look at attraction

Grace also looks at overall attraction in sessions with clients.

“I might ask questions like, are they experiencing attraction to anyone else or are they noticing that there's just a really significant shift in their body, or in how they understand themselves as a sexual person?”

Understanding what’s influencing your feelings of attraction can help you start to increase your interest in your partner.

“Often people expect that desire will always be spontaneous, but actually there is a more common way of experiencing desire, and that's responsive desire”. Image: iStock

So, what can you do?

Grace suggests analysing your turn ons and turn-offs to help get to the bottom of why your attraction has changed.

Starting with identifying your turn-offs.  Grace says common issues include:

1. Stress at work
2. Not feeling like your pleasure is being prioritised
3. The way you’re having sex
4. Something that's changed for you in your life
5. Something that your partner is or isn't doing during sex
6. Feeling like you’re not given time to build emotional or sexual intimacy

Feeling like you’re not given time to build emotional or sexual intimacy. Image: iStock

The sexologist says “Often what we'll find is when attraction has changed, people will identify that there are a lot of turn-offs, but not a lot of turn-ons. So what we need to do is manage that and remove some of these turn-offs, and bring in more of these turn-ons.”

So while life can get in the way of your attraction to your partner, prioritising dedicating time and effort to building desire can help you get back to feeling like you did when you first started dating.

You can read more about changes in attraction and desire in Georgia Grace’s book, The Modern Guide to Sex.

Originally published as What to do if you're no longer attracted to your partner