What not to do in business class

These are the rules you won’t find in the FAQ section on the airline’s website.

I’m not rich but I sometimes cosplay being rich for your reading pleasure, and that means the occasional Business Class flight.

Thanks to that, I’ve learned a thing or two about looking like I belong at the pointier end of the plane. Here are my tips for acting natural:

1. Don’t bark your way through a business meeting in the lounge

Keep your business to yourself ... Picture: iStock

“There’s always one,” glowered Escape’s Digital Director John Hannan to me recently, as we were both trying to knock off some work in the Virgin business lounge at Adelaide domestic airport. The “one” he was referring to was an elite-level twerp who was yelling obnoxious orders to some hapless underling at his office - Dull Boomer Insurance Pty Ltd - over the phone. We get it. You’re in business class. You want everyone to know you’re ‘doing business’. But the vast majority of the rest of us are trying to work as well, and we’re managing to do it without sounding like a 1990s Wall Street stockbroker showing off his first ever mobile phone. Control yourself. 

2. Calm your farm about the amenities

It's the amenities kit. Try and stay calm.

When you board the plane and walk the (very short) walk to 2B you’ll almost certainly notice a neat little zip pouch on the seat. That’s your Business Class amenities kit. If you’re on Emirates it will be Bulgari branded. Finnair? Marimekko. And Qantas’ current one is designed by hip lifestyle brand, Koskela. Cute. But try to avoid being that noob who unzips it with cringey eagerness. It contains a flimsy toothbrush, a tube of toothpaste the size of a tampon and very little else. You would never get excited about these trinkets in your real life and the wise traveller has brought much nicer versions in their hand luggage. Tuck them coolly into the seat pocket and forget about them.

3. There’s nothing Business Class about your bunions 

This is no place for bare feet. Picture: iStock

I am still in therapy after a recent visit to the Garuda Business Lounge at Denpasar Airport. There, not only did I see several customers with no shoes on, but several even had their callused hooves up on the seats. You are allowed to remove your shoes once you’re actually in the cabin of the plane - placing them immediately into the provided socks or slippers - but none of us need to get acquainted with your plantar warts while preparing a plate at the lounge buffet. I get it, you’ve just spent a week in paradise, letting it all hang out. Please. Put it all back in again. 

4. Don’t over-order the Champagne

Try and retain a little class when it comes to the free flowing bubbles. Picture: iStock

I recently witnessed a couple having their champagne politely cut off on a Business Class flight because they ordered so many bottles at once that their seat area began to look like a Dan Murphy’s. Pull that stunt one too many times and expect to get demoted to the cheap seats, or even asked to exit entirely. You are flying in a luxury cabin on a flight, not at your cousin’s hen’s party.

5. Don’t demand pyjamas

I’ll be the first to admit I have disgraced myself on this front, but my job is to do these things so you don’t have to. On a recent Qatar flight from Doha to Oslo (where I had already made the dim-witted mistake of upgrading myself for a wildly over-inflated price – you can read about that here) I made a humiliating rookie error of asking for pyjamas when they weren’t immediately forthcoming. “This is a day flight Ms Carlton,” I was politely informed. I sheepishly realised that most airlines only hand out the jim-jams when you’re flying overnight, and asking for them at 10AM makes you sound like a toddler who still needs a daytime nap. 

Originally published as What not to do in business class