‘When your t*** are down between your ankles’: Grant Denyer’s funny love letter to wife
A new book of love letters from well-known Australians shows love can take many forms, with some laced with sentiment, others spiked with humour.
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We all love differently. Some people are single by choice, some partners are dead, some prefer throuples and some people’s love is well and truly on the rocks. The love we share goes up and down, and comes and goes, but when it works there’s nothing like it. Even if we aren’t looking for it, it can bowl us over on any given day.
This collection of letters is a delightful, funny, broad and honest look at our significant others. All letters were provided free of charge so that more proceeds may be spent on cancer vanquishment.
Dear Lover is a stunning tribute to our loved ones, but it also helps fulfil my most longed-for wish – a cure for cancer. Cancer takes our lovers too.
- editor Samuel Johnson OAM
THE LOVE LETTERS
Christie Whelan Browne
Dear Lover,
I’ll never forget waking up next to you. Your eyes were already open, watching me. I quickly covered my face with my hands. Scared you would see all my imperfections. The ones people who had claimed to love me in the past had pointed out.
You gently took my hands away and looked into my eyes. You told me I was beautiful. And I could feel what you meant. You meant I was beautiful to you. In spite of any imperfections. To you, they were perfect. To you, I was perfect.
You saw me, the good and bad, and you loved it all. It wasn’t always pretty and it didn’t have to be. You didn’t expect the perfectionism from me that I expected from myself.
The way you held my hand as we crossed the road, held the small of my back when we stood in line, put your arm around me sitting at the table, I felt protected and safe in a way that has never left.
Fifteen years later and we have been by each other’s side the whole time. Life has been generous – throwing us many amazing, wonderful experiences and evening them out with the difficult ones to remind us to never stop being grateful.
The day our son was born, our relationship as lovers took a slight detour. Because there was someone who needed us more than we needed each other. But as time passes (and we have more sleep) I see us finding our way back to those young lovers who met and fell head over heels in love.
But now we are older and wiser. And I have seen your loyalty, strong morals, kindness, generosity and heart for many years. So if it’s possible – I love you more now than I ever did.
Christie
Adam Gilchrist
Aussie cricket legend
Dear Mel,
Do you remember that day at school, in English in Year 11? Seated next to each other by demand from the teacher, mainly to stop me fooling around up the back with my mates.
How was this going to work? Embarrassing? Awkward?
I mean, we hadn’t exactly spent much time working on our friendship since that little fling we had back in Year 8. The one where our first date was me taking you to the movies to see that beautiful romantic comedy called Rambo: First Blood!
Can’t understand why that didn’t work out!
That said, I’m sure I wasn’t the only culprit between us not giving the relationship a chance to blossom at the age of 13. Remember how harsh you were in casting judgment on me for wearing my shiny blue state team tracksuit pants absolutely everywhere, perhaps even to the movies?
So, it came as quite the surprise when three years later, the thing I looked forward to most every day was that English lesson.
Remember the frustrations of the teacher, as he couldn’t get us to focus because we were having too much fun sitting next to each other? Ironic, eh.
But why would I ask if you remember all these things? Of course you do. Because since that time, since that blessed day in English, when the second and continuing partnership began, you have remembered everything.
You remembered to make our wedding characteristically our own, to the point of perfection.
You remembered to encourage me to pursue my dream, instilling in me a belief in what’s possible, all the while carving out your own professional career against the odds.
And as I lived out that dream, you provided the foundations and the grounding that allowed us to build a family of four gorgeous children.
Remember?
Yep, of course you do. You remember everything. Birthdays, names, holidays, kids’ appointments and what they want in their lunchbox for school. The uniforms, the pick-up and drop-off times. The due date for the assignment. You remember to maintain constant contact with their teachers, just to be sure. Maybe check what’s going on in English!
How you remember to check on everyone else is beyond me, but you do. Friends, family and everyone else. Yet somehow, you remember to prioritise enough time for yourself to remain physically and mentally balanced in life.
This might sound odd, but I just never seem to be able to remember to do all that you do. But what I do remember is you remembering all of it my dearest friend … and I’ll never, ever forget it.
For all that and more, I simply say with the most heartfelt warmth and gratitude, thank you and I love you.
Ad xxx
Sam Mac
My darling Rebecca …
Exactly one week ago I held your hand as you safely delivered our baby girl, Margot Grace McMillan. It was nothing like the births I’ve seen in movies. There was no gentle breathing, no butterflies on the windowsill, and it certainly wasn’t accompanied by the soothing sounds of Norah Jones.
It was long. It was traumatic. It included two failed epidurals. And it looked more like a scene from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
The colour disappeared from your face. Your entire body was shaking. You lost the ability to speak. But not for one single second did you think about giving up. You kept pushing and pushing and pushing. Using just our eyes to communicate we found a language only we understood. There may have been other people, other voices in that delivery room, but gradually they faded away. It was just you and me. The unspoken connection.
The fact is, for the majority of your 12 hours in labour you had no painkillers. I wondered how on earth you could possess such a high pain threshold. Then I remembered you’d endured two years in a relationship with me.
You were calm, strong and determined. You were always going to win. You put your body on the line for our little family and it’s something I will never, ever forget. You showed me what it means to be a mum. You gave me a new level of appreciation and understanding for my mum, Loretta, and for all the mums.
I fell in love with you another hundred times that night, Rebecca. And even though this is a letter to you, I’ll be cc’ing Margot because one day I want her to read it and learn all about her courageous mumma. (I think we’ll start her reading Dr Seuss and Bluey first, though – this may be a touch too graphic for a bedtime story.)
You did it. We did it. And now I’ve got a lifetime to try and show my immense gratitude.
Love Sam (Dad)
Grant Denyer
A man of many talents and an enthusiastic, Gold Logie-winning game-show host
Dear Lover
I remember how dreamy it was just to hold hands, passionately kiss and look into each other’s eyes for hours. That immense tingling sensation that I never wanted to end. That kid-like excitement knowing this was the best feeling in the world and nothing had ever felt this good before. It was new, it was intoxicating, it was naughty … and it was so right.
After 16 years … it ain’t like that anymore. It’s BETTER!! Because this is no fleeting feeling, a passing phase or a summer fling. We know it’s the real deal. Tried and true, tested over time. Like a diamond that’s put under pressure to be able to sparkle in the sunlight, our relationship has been grounded by hardships, tough times and moments when I wished I’d said “I love you” more than I did. But those times are the pressures that build diamonds and great relationships. Broken backs, career blow-ups and past traumas have ultimately made this relationship unbreakable.
The good times are easy to celebrate, but the measure of your heart is how you kept us going when the shit hit the fan. You’re made of special stuff and that special stuff has been passed on to our children … which is the greatest gift of all.
I’m not perfect, I’m a flawed human always endeavouring to do better, but it’s easy to dig deeper and put in the personal work because you’re worth it. We’re worth it.
May the good times seriously outnumber the bad because this is still a journey that I don’t ever want to end. The exact same feeling I had when I kissed you for the first time. I can’t wait to do old with you. When your tits are down between your ankles … right next to my old-man balls.
Because I’m right there beside you. For life.
Your husband Grant xox
Chezzi Denyer
Cheryl, who prefers Chezzi, is a freelance producer, a farmer, a mummy and an overlord with a fandangled website and a large, religious following
Dear Lover
I never dreamt life could be so perfect. I never envisaged the depth of love I would hold in my heart for you. And for our children. I feel like my life can be summarised into two very distinct chapters: Before I met you and After I met you.
Our love is a perfect balance. Where I fall short, you lift me up. Where you fall short, I hold you. It’s symmetry. Poetry. So many words in history for this type of love and yet so many people will never know a love like ours in their lifetime. And it hasn’t been easy, nor has it always been smooth. We have had more than our fair share of bad times. We’ve experienced grief together. Tragedy. We have shared the darkest times together, trying to navigate our way through while trying to hold hands and not lose sight of one another. But, like any great romance, we have experienced monumental highs together. Our greatest achievements celebrated while arm in arm. Together.
I am grateful every day that the universe put us together when it did. It changed the entire trajectory of my life, and yours. And now, looking back on that fateful day some 16 years ago, I realise that it was meant to be. Written in the stars somewhere no doubt. Two special soulmates reuniting in this life was the profundity of the connection felt.
Thank you for allowing me to be myself. For showing me that being vulnerable and scared at the same time is admirable. Thank you for appreciating me for who I am. For all my faults and flaws that you adore.
But please … stop leaving your dirty clothes on the floor.
Love your wife Chezzi xxx
Larry “The Price is Right” Emdur
Multi-nominee for “The Most Popular” everything, previous host of anything that’s ever been aired, ex-newsreader from everywhere and one of Australia’s best-known faces as the host of The Morning Show
Dear Lover
Firstly, quickly, Sylvie, I need to let you know that this is for you and not another “Lover”.
I didn’t want you to have to read five paragraphs before I said the word “Sylvie”, thinking “Dear Lover” might be for Shaneequa or Crystal or Destiny or Bambi or Cinnamon.
Also, if you find “top ten stripper names” in my Google search history it was to find the names for the line above. I promise.
Sylvie, I’ve been waiting for this opportunity, waiting for a chance, this moment, to let you know that while the flowers I buy you from the servo are sweet (or are they?) and the Westfield gift vouchers I buy you when I can’t think of what else to buy you are thoughtful (or are they?), there’s so much more to you, to us. And I now have this wonderful opportunity to put it in black and white.
The good times, and there are plenty, are easy and fun, but it’s the tough times, the heavier, complicated, more complex moments where you show your superhuman powers.
From the moment I first saw you I had a tingling sensation, not like when you catch a cold sore on a Contiki tour tingling sensation, but like when your heart skips a beat and you momentarily lose your breath.
Your blue eyes, Bora Bora lagoon-at-low-tide, super-neon-blue eyes, hypnotised me then and still do 30 years on, every time I look at you.
Those beautiful eyes, a window to your beautiful soul, can make me do anything. They can make me laugh, they can make me cry, they can make me stack the dishwasher properly, they can even make me put the toilet seat down and pick up my socks from the bedroom floor, that’s how incredibly powerful they are. Most importantly, they constantly deliver warmth and love into my world and the worlds of everyone around you.
You are one of a kind and I feel blessed that you’re mine, and I’m sorry about the socks on the floor right now but I was too busy writing this letter to my lover to pick them up.
xx Laz
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