‘They’re a crock of shit’: Nikki Osborne on how she feels about horoscopes

I always thought that astrology was a bit of fun conjured up by women who smell like incense and look like Gandalf, writes Nikki Osborne on how she feels about horoscopes.

I’d always been a dabbler in star signs. When I say dabbler, I mean, I’d read my daily horoscope in the paper and if I liked it, I’d take it on board but if I didn’t like it I’d go “what a crock of shit”.

I always thought that astrology was a bit of fun conjured up by women who smell like incense and look like Gandalf. It was about as useful as their aluminium free deodorant and the evidence was as obvious as my apparent “orange aura”.

Then April 16, 2005 happened. After years of dating duds, I thought I’d roll the dice on finding a stallion at Flemington Irish Stakes day.

I hadn’t read my horoscope for that day yet as I was too busy waxing, tanning and tucking into my “man catcher” frock.

I’d decided I’d dated too many “Daniel Cleavers” and I was on the hunt for my “Mr Darcy”. Then there he was. A silver fox, standing in the corner, smiling at me. So I walked on over, said hello and he responded with a very dapper, “well how do you do?” I said, “Damnit, you’re gay.” He responded, “No, just British.”

We hit it off instantly and so I snuck off to the loo to check my horoscope to see if it had any idea this would happen, you know, to catch it out as being wrong, and it read, “you could meet your soulmate today”. “Well bugger me.”

Nikki Osbourne shares her feelings on horoscopes. Picture: Lachie Millard

I hurriedly forwarded it to my mum and said, “My horoscope says I might meet my soulmate and I actually do think I’ve found him!”

Mum replied, “Tag him and bag him.” So I did.

And so began my inquisition into astrology. This was guided by my new mother-in-law, who, in an amusing twist, was an astrologer.

Yes, she does look like Gandalf but she also studied alongside astronomers mapping the history of the planets and planetary alignments.

Not crystal ball, airy fairy fluff, proper science stuff. Ha, now I’ve got your attention. Science is the new Simon, if it says it, you do it.

Speaking of science, they’ve actually discovered that our heart creates a magnetic field that extends a metre out of our body. Ummmm, I think that might be the orange aura that I thought was a load of rubbish. Sorry hippies, I stand corrected.

We say “coincidence”. Astrology says “planetary alignments”.

The more I started to learn about sun sign traits the more I started to recognise them in people I’d just met.

So much so, I started to guess stranger’s star signs after a five-minute conversation with them. Now, if there’s nothing to it, then how the hell did I guess 15 people in a row? Even I surprised myself.

Remember, I’m approaching this as a sceptic. But perhaps this isn’t a “crock of shit” after all. Maybe these hippies (mostly Aquarians) are ahead of us conventional thinkers? I dunno, read the below and you tell me?

Are Virgos the nurses, neat freaks and fastidious to-do listers? Are Capricorns the pragmatic hard workers who only turn up if you have something they need? Why do Geminis (my husband) account for most serial killers in history? (Should I watch my back?)

Are Taureans really obsessed with the 3 F’s; Food, Finance and … I’ll let you work that one out.

Are Librans the nicest people on the planet to everyone BUT their spouses OR parents? Do Scorpios have that sting in the tail?

Are Cancerians overly sensitive but have a savage sense of humour? Are Leos the most loyal but believe in their own opinion more than any other?

Sagittarius, are you the most fun but stuck in your own routine? Are Aries the bossy, forthright, financial controllers but actually softies?

And finally Pisces. Despite what they say, I don’t believe you are the dustbin of the zodiac. Do you agree?

Originally published as ‘They’re a crock of shit’: Nikki Osborne on how she feels about horoscopes