The very surprising way to avoid magpies attacking you

There’s one almost sure-fire way to stop magpies swooping, but if that fails, there are always metal buckets, writes Frances Whiting.

First of all, thank you all so much for your letters following my last column about introducing magpie dodging as a new sport for the Brisbane Olympics in 2032.

Second of all, I’m moving to Tasmania. This is because several Tassie readers wrote to inform me that Tasmanian magpies do not, or very rarely, swoop.

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As one reader, Gabriel from Launceston informed me – which I fact checked because I am not Donald Trump – in 2019 the National Magpie Alert Tracker found that out of 3000 reported maggie attacks in 2019, only one was in Tasmania. One. And not only that, no one knows why Tassie maggies are not aggressive.

Magpie season can be a living hell.

Well, I’ll tell you why – it’s because they live in Tasmania, and are far less uptight than the rest of us living in mainland cities and worrying about how hot our lattes are.

The other thing I learnt from your letters is that it is correct that the best way to avoid magpies attacking you is to make friends with them.

Some of you sent pictures of your black and white feathered friends, like Belinda from Queenscliff who sent a picture of her magpie falling asleep in her lap. Using Belinda’s finger as a dummy.

I’m not sure this is entirely healthy, Belinda. But then again, the magpie that lives at my place likes to use my finger as an entree.

A reader called Matthew wrote to warn me of becoming too friendly with maggies as his mother did, and now has to feed so many of them on her verandah the family have taken to calling her Khaleesi, Queen of the Magpies.

And lastly, I think my favourite letter was from Noela who uses what I like to call the Ned Kelly method when dodging her resident magpie. Yes, Noela told me her family keep a metal bucket outside their front door and pop it on when they make their daily dash to the car.

“It’s like being peppered with bullets, Frances,” she told me, “but it does the trick.”

Frances Whiting has a grand plan when it comes to magpies. Picture: David Kelly

I also want to thank the readers who wrote to me with their ideas for other uniquely Australian sports we could introduce at the Brisbane Games, particularly Brian who wrote: “What about trying to get a hot chook out of a Coles bag?”

Gavan offered: “I would like to see the hot, black road barefoot run”, while Graham wrote: “What about pothole dodging?”

All excellent suggestions, but I do have a favourite from Rosemary who lives at Bondi Beach and suggested a multi-sport event “like a decathlon, but Australian”. Rosemary suggested competitors must run across Bondi Beach at midday in summer, with no thongs on, dive into the water for the bluebottle dodging part of the event, swat a few horseflies, and “try to avoid getting filmed by Bondi Rescue”.

Thanks for all your letters, I really love receiving them, but could I ask that when you do write, you let me know which state you are writing from? It helps me picture the events and scenes you tell me about, and it helps me appreciate that we are all part of the same conversation, just in different places under our beautiful southern sky. Thank you.

Originally published as The very surprising way to avoid magpies attacking you