‘I hate it’: Frances Whiting on the passengers who have turned her off flying

What happened to etiquette? I sat next to a man on a flight the other day who I’m pretty sure came straight from mowing his lawn.

After a long spell of not flying at all, I’ve been flying quite a lot lately and it has reminded me of how very much I hate it. I’m not talking about business or first class; I don’t sit in those seats, I just walk past the people who do and give them the death stare.

This is because I am jealous of them. Also because I think they look a little smug.

And don’t write me letters, first-class travellers, you know you do. I would too if my dinner was recognisable.

Flying domestically is not what it used to be, and even though I’m not old enough to remember it, I long for the days when people dressed for flights in safari suits and cocktail dresses and waved Peter Stuyvesant cigarettes, your international passport to smoking pleasure, around the cabin.

I know, all that cigarette smoke would have actually been disgusting, but honestly it couldn’t be much worse than what we have today.

People don’t get dressed up for plane travel anymore, they barely get dressed. I sat next to a man on a flight to Melbourne the other day who I’m pretty sure came straight from mowing his lawn.

Picture: iStock

But it’s not so much what people wear on planes I object to, it’s how they behave.

You may have seen the brouhaha
(I love that word, by the way) in the media lately about the correct usage of the recline function on aeroplane seats. I’ll tell you what the correct usage is – none. Do not use it.

Specifically, do not use it if you are on a short flight. Given the ridiculously short spaces between seats, it is bound to cause discomfort for the person behind you.

You are not at home on the Jason recliner watching The Amazing Race. You are in a shared space with all the other people who don’t want to be there, and that means we have to pull together to make it as pleasant as possible.

This is not easy. We have all already checked ourselves in, allocated our seats, printed our own boarding passes and luggage tags, wrestled them on to our suitcases, sent them through to our destination and many of us are living in the very real fear that one of us will be asked to fly the plane any minute now.

While we are on the subject of aeroplane etiquette, do not bring the entire contents of your wardrobe, along with your pillow, stuff it in a duffel bag, and pretend it is carry-on luggage. Also, when the plane lands do not push past your fellow passengers to stand in the aisle. You know, and I know, that even though we have landed, we will be sitting on the tarmac for no apparent reason for at least 20 minutes.

Or if they do give a reason, it will be because “We are just waiting for the stairs to be brought over.” Why? Did you not know we were coming? Is it a surprise? Besides, we don’t need you to bring over the stairs.

We are so desperate to get off this flight we will just open the emergency exit and scoot down the slide thing. After the rude people have returned their chairs to the upright position, that is.

Frances Whiting. Picture: Tara Croser

Originally published as ‘I hate it’: Frances Whiting on the passengers who have turned her off flying