‘I could no longer see’: Nikki Osborne reveals terrifying ocean incident

There’s one area of life where age does not increase wisdom, in fact, it increases panic once you pass the 40 mark. Ailments, writes Nikki Osborne.

Nikki Obsorne has revealed a terrifying ocean incident.

They say as you get older and uglier the trade off is you also get wiser. To some degree, yes that is true. You learn how to make money more efficiently. You learn that you can count your true friends on one hand.

You understand that good times and bad times will come and go. You even use the quote “this too shall pass” to your gen Z counterparts as they fret over an argument they’re having with an impassioned idiot online. However, there’s one area of life where age does not increase wisdom, in fact, it increases panic once you pass the 40 mark. Ailments.

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What you used to write off as a headache is now a potential tumour. A sore knee? Could it be from gardening all weekend? No, you’ve got rheumatoid arthritis. A panic attack is a heart attack and a dizzy spell is a stroke. Then you chat to your 40-year-old friends about it and your phone listens to it and BOOM! Now your algorithm is presenting you with even more potential rare diseases you probably have now or are at risk of getting. Why? Because you’re over 40 and nothing is ever just a niggle anymore, nay, it’s the start of the end. Well that’s what your stupid brain is telling you.

A recently spent day at Noosa body surfing was awesome fun but I did have one wave give me an almighty dumping. Every orifice received a saltwater irrigation. Especially my nose. In fact at lunch, while dining in a fancy restaurant, much to my friend’s horror, half a cup of water poured out of my left nostril on to my plate. So where’s the panic, Nikki?

Okay, so later that day I had a remedial massage. I lay face first on the table while my masseuse undid all the knots I’d created from googling ailments that week. It was amazing.

Then I got up. I could no longer see through my left eye. It was completely blurred. I closed my good eye and it was like I was in a white-out. I started to panic. I started to feverishly rub my eye. My masseuse then said: “How was that?” And I turned to him and said “amazing but I can’t see out of my eye now”.

He’s used to me making jokes so he laughed and said “have a good day” and I started to make my way out of the building while bumping into things because I COULDN’T BLOODY SEE ANYTHING?!!

Nikki Osborne

I got in the car and the panic set in. I started driving with my dodgy eye closed and I called my husband. He answered and I screamed “I’m blind!” He’s like, “Have you been drinking?!” Deep down I knew it was highly likely that this was a temporary ailment but the 40-plus woman in me was convincing me that this was it, this is the freakish moment where an innocent massage caused a blood clot to lodge in the back of my retina and I’m now blind.

Anyway, I got home, ran in the house, poured myself a whisky and continued to talk it out so I didn’t have a full-blown panic attack – aka heart attack. Then all of a sudden my eye cleared, and a giant glob of saltwater fell out of my nose. I’d literally been blinded by a snot bullet.

After running outside and proclaiming “I can see” to the neighbourhood, I came back in, finished my whisky and we had a very good laugh about it. Please tell me I’m not alone? What niggle did you mistake for something horrendous?

Originally published as ‘I could no longer see’: Nikki Osborne reveals terrifying ocean incident