Does TikTok's 'let them' dating theory actually stack up?

It’s revealing people’s true colours

Put away your crystal ball. TikTok has a dating theory that radically reframes our desire for control in dating and it might actually just work?

Dating can be riddled with uncertainty – Do they like me as much as I like them? How did they interpret that thing I said two Tuesdays ago? Will they ever reply to my text?

And uncertainty about future events is a known contributor to anxiety. So, it's not surprising then that for many, dating can be a minefield of overthinking and desperate reach for control.  

However, with the art of telepathy unavailable to most of us, all that time spent thinking about how the person you’re dating might act in the future isn’t actually doing anything, other than wasting brain energy.

In place of all that overthinking, I introduce to you a radical new TikTok dating theory that embraces the complete opposite – the ‘let them’ theory. I’ve been trialling the ‘let them’ theory in my own dating life and frankly, I now can’t see any other way of doing it. 

What is the ‘let them’ theory?

In a video that has amassed over 30 million views, author, podcaster and self-proclaimed ‘friend’ in her TikTok bio, Mel Robbins describes the ‘let them’ theory as the idea of letting people behave exactly the way they want without trying to control or change their behaviour, even if it isn’t desirable.

For example, “The next time your friends go out to brunch together and they don’t invite you, let them. Or maybe the person you’re dating doesn’t want a commitment, let them. Or perhaps, your spouse does not want to do the 5k with you, let them,” says Robbins.

Not only does the ‘let them’ theory stop wasting brain energy on the things you can’t control, but it also helps other people reveal their true selves to you, explains Robbins. 

“And then when they reveal who they truly are to you, you now know what you can choose next that’s right for you,” she says.

I won’t promise it’s comfortable, but I promise it works…

@melrobbins

Stop wasting energy on trying to get other people to meet YOUR expectations. Instead, try using the “Let Them Theory.” 💥 Listen now on the melrobbinspodcast!! “The “Let Them Theory”: A Life Changing Mindset Hack That 15 Million People Can’t Stop Talking About” 🔗 in bio #melrobbins #letthemtheory #letgo #lettinggo #podcast #podcastepisode

♬ original sound - Mel Robbins

What does the ‘let them’ theory look like in dating?

At its core the ‘let them’ theory involves replacing the product of anxiety – controlling and overthinking behaviours – with letting what will be, simply be.  So how does one simply be, you ask? 

With phones often the main tool in the mental warfare that can be part of dating, employing the ‘let them’ theory usually means spending less time on screens. Refrain from sending a follow-up text to a date who hasn’t replied, cease social media ‘detective work’, stop posting thirst traps in the hopes of re-attracting someone and cease frequent phone checking when waiting for a response.

When it comes to employing the ‘let them’ theory in your own thinking, it can look like replacing thoughts such as, “If I do X, they will do Y” with “I don't have control over what they’ll do, I can only control my reaction.” 

Similar to social media detective work, ceasing mental detective work can also look like stopping the over-analysing of someone’s behaviour to predict future outcomes. Let clear communication be your guide rather than vague signs like lingering looks or an Instagram story like. 

Lastly, while it’s wonderful, vital even, to be able to share the trials and tribulations of dating with your friends, be careful of overindulging. I’m talking about the back-and-forth texts over which thirst trap to post, dissecting your date’s behaviour, and having your friend follow your date’s ex on social media to sleuth. 

Stop wasting your energy worrying about other people's actions. Image: Pexels

Does the ‘let them’ dating theory actually stack up?

As somewhat of a teenage tyrant in my high school relationship, the older I get, the more I realise just how little I actually have control over. So without knowing it, I suppose I’ve been employing the ‘let them’ theory in my dating life for most of my adult life. 

While it’s not always fun or comfortable, it certainly feels like the healthiest thing for my brain and the kindest thing for the people I’ve dated. I’ve probably dated less than most women my age, as I haven’t chased people who weren’t willing to pursue me. It has certainly weeded out the bad from the good very quickly.

While the ‘let them’ theory is no antidote for the inevitable anxious feelings in the first stages of dating (as my journal and close friends will attest), it does help avoid wasting precious and finite brain energy on things that you can’t – and shouldn’t try to – control. Because as the ‘let them’ theory enforces, you are easily loveable just the way you are!

Originally published as Does TikTok's 'let them' dating theory actually stack up?