Why dogs are more demanding, but better, than babies

No stranger to controversy, Weekend Sunrise co-host Matt Doran is sparking a fresh debate; this time on why dogs are more demanding than human babies.

What’s harder: raising a puppy or a baby?

Both are adorable, wide-eyed and love you unconditionally, but in a battle of most chaotic housemate, which tiny tyrant wins: the shrieking infant or the needy canine? Weekend Sunrise co-host Matt Doran argues – controversially, he’ll admit – that his furry new friend Murphy definitely takes the (dog) biscuit

Dinner is the perfect time to ask my wife Kendall a burning question. Depending

on the meal, I often find a short window when I observe her at her least venomous.

Tonight, she navigates vodka pasta.

I’m watching her hands intently, studying the expert movements for any sign of affection.

I summon the courage and ask the question point blank: “The house is on fire. I’m trapped inside with Murphy (our Italian greyhound). You can only save one of us. Who do you save?”

“Murphy!” Kendall exclaims, regretfully losing a strand of linguine by virtue of the force of her reply. She scoops it up, indignant that I thought for even a moment that the scenario might cause her any dilemma.

But Kendall’s answer surprises me because it hasn’t always been this way – it was not love at first sight.

For a year, I had begged Kendall for permission to get a greyhound and she hit me with an avalanche of “cuter options”, like groodles, cavoodles and weimaraners.

“Kendall, wait until you feel his fur,” I assured her. “It’s like warm velvet. And the hairlessness mitigates any dog odour. And Iggys don’t bark. And they kinda look like Dobby from Harry Potter. You will love him, and we will call him Murphy.”

Weighing in at 6kg, he may look diminutive, but don’t fall for the sugar and sorcery in his eyes. Murphy may have majesty and stealth appeal, but he is bursting with violent energy… at any given moment, ready to absquatulate in all directions.

Neither of us were equipped to be dog parents. We don’t have children yet.

And I appreciate that I will attract the rage of human parents with this declaration, but I make it without doubt: it is far more difficult to raise an Italian greyhound than it is to raise a child.

Allow me to make my case...

Matt Doran with his new Italian greyhound, Murphy. Picture: Instagram

SLEEP

Within a week of getting Murphy, we’d obliterated our only two rules: no sleeping in our bed, and no eating with us at the dinner table.

Our bed is now his bed, and we should be so lucky so as to be afforded the opportunity to share it with him. I imagine children cause staccato sleep patterns, but at least they have their own space in a crib.

Although sinewy and occasionally bearing resemblance to a frozen chicken, Murphy can dominate a queen-sized mattress. We must now contort ourselves around him.

FOOD

Granted, it can be difficult and painful to extract, but is it not the case that for the first six months of their lives, babies are happy with one thing – milk?

There is an adage in Chinese philosophy that states there is no crime greater than having too many desires.

When it comes to food, it can be safely said then that Murphy is a dead-set criminal. I imagine him channelling his inner Sting: “Every snack you make, every meal you bake, I’ll be watching you.”

Matt Doran’s dog Murphy has broken every rule since they got him.. Picture: Instagram

He is perennially starving and yet somehow still picky about his menu. Kibble makes him so enraged you can see the veins swelling in his neck. He eats so much he now looks more like a Staffy.

His palate has taken to pumpkin, a fact now known to a dozen of Kendall’s colleagues after she accidentally forgot to exit a conference call.

“Does that little Murphy looooove his smooshed pumpkin?” we could be heard gushing.

After several minutes of this nonsense, an alert from Kendall’s phone read: “You are the only one left on this conference call.”

MESS

Babies can only travel so far. Murphy has our entire apartment at his disposal, treating our most precious items of furniture as props on his parkour course.

He is prone to what they call the zoomies, where he succumbs to crippling, paw-quivering anxiety.

Recently, we had our couch recovered in expensive merlot-coloured fabric. Now it is a burial ground, shredded and polluted, a miserable tomb for the old toys and snacks Murphy elected to hide for later.

For the first six months, he had an upset tummy. Babies are waste-producers, too, but at least their horrors are contained within the parcel that is a nappy. When will they invent one for dogs?

Picture Murphy bouncing like a breakdancer off the coffee table, on to the couch, on top of the bed, and on to every available rug, savagely relieving himself as he goes.

Matt Doran's argues dogs are far harder to look after than babies. Picture: Instagram

INJURIES

Dogs are generally more robust than kids when it comes to injuries. Not Murphy. We were at the emergency vet four times in his first two weeks – the polar opposite of cheap.

But it wasn’t the cost that hurt most, it was the embarrassment. It turned out he wasn’t injured.

He had apparently learnt to fake agony, somehow aware that it would result in attention and treats.

LOVE

In the case of both children and puppies, I believe love to be largely unconditional.

There is something so beautiful about the way Murphy greets me when I get home, looking at me with rapture like I’m the most important thing in his world.

But I can’t resist the idea that Murphy is actually a svengali, cleverly leveraging our love for his own prurient interests.

Matt Doran’s feature appears inside this Sunday’s Stellar. Picture: John Tsiavis.

So there we go: small babies are less strategic, less messy, more restful, easier

to feed and far less prone to furniture parkour.

It’s official. It is infinitely harder to raise a puppy than a baby.

Let the furious debate begin.

Matt Doran is the co-host of Weekend Sunrise on the Seven Network.

Originally published as Why dogs are more demanding, but better, than babies