We need to talk about miscarriage — in our own time

WHILE miscarrying seems to be an experience that is physically similar for many women, it’s emotionally different for all of us, writes Carrie Bickmore. There is no rulebook for grief.

Carrie Bickmore: “All women benefit from hearing other women’s stories of miscarriage. We need to share more, but in our own time.” (Pic: iStock)

TWELVE weeks. The magic number at which society has decided it is appropriate to announce your pregnancy. It is not a number that someone just pulled out of a hat, it’s a number based partly on evidence and partly on social convention. But it’s a number that divides opinion.

There’s been a real push lately for women to announce their pregnancies earlier so there isn’t such a taboo around miscarriage.

Research shows up to one in five women who know they are pregnant will miscarry before 20 weeks, most in the first 12 weeks. They say the rate is probably higher than that too, because a lot of women have early miscarriages before they even know they are pregnant.

Carrie Bickmore: “I do believe we need to remove the stigma around miscarriage for the sake of both women and men, but I know both times I miscarried, I was so relieved I hadn’t told many people I was pregnant.”

Watching a doctor search for a heartbeat or seeing that first drop of blood is nothing short of gut-wrenching. But while miscarrying seems to be an experience that is physically similar for many women, it’s emotionally different for all of us.

MORE STELLAR

Why Emma Isaacs doesn’t believe in work-life balance

Fifi on all those rumours about her love life

For some it happens during a pregnancy they’d been waiting years for, for others it’s a slight detour in the road of an otherwise successful child-rearing journey. Then there are those for which it’s repetitive and devastating, with no reward at the end.

Carrie Bickmore shows off her baby bump at The Logies. Picture: AAP Image/Dan Peled

I know women who rarely speak of their loss and others who will happily chat to the butcher about it. There is no formula or rulebook for grief.

I do believe we need to remove the stigma around miscarriage for the sake of both women and men, but I know both times I miscarried, I was so relieved I hadn’t told many people I was pregnant. I was struggling to get my head around what had happened and was not in the mood to talk about it. I can’t imagine how I would have coped seeing the sad look in people’s faces or answering all the questions: “How’s bub coming along?”; “Have you got a bump yet?” I needed time to adjust.

My mind raced. Guess I won’t need to turn the office into a baby’s room. What if I never get pregnant again? We can go on holiday at the end of the year now.

I wonder if it’s something that I ate? We should be grateful we are already parents to a healthy child. I really liked Harry as a name. Why is her baby growing just fine? Why me? Maybe it was stress... and the list goes on.

I can understand the push for early announcements. There’s a strange sense of comfort when you hear of another woman’s struggles, and of course there are many benefits of having wider support during those first months. The sickness and exhaustion can be debilitating and certainly led me to wish I had confided in more people.

Carrie Bickmore’s column features in this week’s issue of Stellar.

But there are other things to process in those early months. Is the baby healthy? How will the other kids feel? Will it impact on my work? What does it mean for us financially as a family? Sometimes you need time to process.

All women benefit from hearing other women’s stories of miscarriage. We need to share more, but in our own time. If you wanna sing it from the rooftop the moment you see that gorgeous little blue line, that’s OK. But there is nothing wrong with keeping your news close until you know things are likely to be OK.

Carrie co-hosts The Project, 6.30pm weeknights on Network Ten, and Carrie & Tommy, 3pm weekdays on the Hit Network.

READ MORE EXCLUSIVES FROM STELLAR.

Originally published as We need to talk about miscarriage — in our own time