Samantha Armytage: ‘I’ve done a lot of embarrassing things in my life’

From dropping underwear on the street to THAT day back in primary school, Armytage sheds light on some of her most embarrassing moments.

I’ve done a lot of embarrassing things in my life.

Once, I went to a Milli Vanilli concert. Another time, along a busy street near my house, I walked an armful of clothes to the dry cleaner only to discover a pair of knickers had fallen

out of a worn trouser leg and were lying prostrate on the pavement behind me.

Needless to say, I scurried away and left said knickers to their own devices.

Later in my life, during a football game at the Melbourne Cricket Ground on a hot September day, I volunteered to get the next round of drinks for our group (although I am clumsy, I am not frugal.)

A colleague volunteered to help carry our orders of amber liquid and that bright yellow urine-sample-style wine they serve at the footy. Anyway, I digress.

On the way to the bar, I ducked into the loo, then out again to order. Now I must have been having a particularly good hair day because, carrying our drinks, everyone was staring at me.

And smiling. I, of course, smiled back.

My mate/colleague must have noticed, too, as he looked across at me – arms full of schooners – and then very graciously leant over and unhooked the back of my dress from where it was

caught up in my underwear.

There were more than 100,000 people at the MCG that day and I’m pretty sure almost all

of them saw my Spanx.

Samantha Armytage: “I will never be cool.” Picture: Steven Chee.

But before the tabloids rush to write a rude headline about my awkwardness (they love a vulnerability, LOL), just remember what it says in the Bible: let she who is without sin, has never dropped their undies on the footpath, nor shown their Nancy Gantz to a stadium, cast the first stone.

But wait, there’s more.

Recently, while dealing with an ageing apartment, I employed a builder to do a minor bathroom renovation. (Miracle of miracles – I managed to find an available, solvent and brilliant builder in 2022, but that’s a subject for another column.)

Now anyone who’s ever dealt with a builder will know there are numerous text messages back and forward re inlet valves and chrome waste traps, and during one of these interactions, without thinking, I signed off as I often do with close friends and family on text: “Sam xxx.”

OMG. I mean, I like my builder a lot, but not enough to send him three kisses. I saw the three dots pulse across the screen. Then, nothing.

Finally, his response: “Thanks.”

Honestly, it was more embarrassing than the day I called my primary school teacher “Dad.”

The next time I saw him (in the close confines of the mid-renovation bathroom), I tried to laugh it off while discussing pipes and drainage. I’d forgotten I wasn’t texting my husband, yada yada...

He was very professional and good natured, and I’m sure he will enjoy this column.

So, what have we learnt today? I will never be cool, most of my “aha” moments involve underwear in public, and always seek out an understanding builder.

Read Samantha Armytage’s latest column inside this Sunday’s Stellar. Picture: Sam Bisso.

A new episode of Something To Talk About With Samantha Armytage is released today. Follow or subscribe wherever you listen to your podcasts.

Originally published as Samantha Armytage: ‘I’ve done a lot of embarrassing things in my life’