Kate Langbroek’s tips for surviving the work Christmas party

THE hardest of all yuletide events is the work Christmas party, but remember: there are no work friends; there’s only friends, writes Kate Langbroek.

Kate Langbroek says “remember to pace yourself”. Picture: Cameron Grayson

HARK! What sound from yonder breaks? The sleigh bells are jangling, Bublé is crooning and the corks are a-poppin’. All of this heralds the arrival of Yule, which, I realise, I haven’t yet prepared you for.

This year we seemed to suddenly leap from the ritual, “Can you believe it’s April already?” chat with Karen in Accounts, to the impending, any-second-now, chimney-thump of Christmas.

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And I must assist you to negotiate the season, which, while it is full of jolly and holly, may also be marked by folly and regret.

I speak, of course, of the office parties, the most challenging of all the Yuletide celebrations. As brutal as Tough Mudder, the Work Christmas Party — otherwise known as The Guaranteed Way to Wreck Your Career/Relationship/New Office Photocopier — is a minefield.

So I’m here to share what I know. And to remind you it’s silly season, stupid, not stupid season, silly!

The following are the rules of the Work Christmas Party (WCP). Ignore them if you wish (just as you may try to ignore Ben from Warehouse when he goes all Charlie Sheen on you after eight proseccos and a wheel of Blue Castello).

Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.

1. Pace yourself

Remember to pace yourself. Source: iStock

The WCP is the social equivalent of those marathons they run in the Gobi Desert: pure endurance. Survival comes down to hydration, good footwear and sheer grit. And breath mints.

2. Respect your betters

Always respect your betters.

Best on ground at the WCP is never the person you’d expect. Here, the last man (or woman) standing is normally the mildest of colleagues … FOR THE OTHER 364 DAYS OF THE YEAR.

Tonight, they’ll be slurring the lyrics to “Time Of Your Life” into a mop that was brought in to clean up after Renee from Reception lost her dinner.

Or chasing girls to sit on Santa’s lap and pull something out of his sack. Or stealing people’s iPhones to take selfies of her chaboombas/his tokley. Either way, legend status is assured. And deserved.

3. Get your money’s worth

Be sure to get your money’s worth.

We’ve all seen Kevin from Sales jam a stubby in each pocket, just so his hands are free to build replica Twin Towers out of the ring’o’prawns, and then scoff them while everyone else is left with the salmonella dip (no wonder Renee was sick).

It doesn’t make us like Kevin, but hey, winner, winner, prawn dinner.

4. There’s no business like show business

Get in touch with your musical side.

If there’s a band, get out your tambourine. If there’s a group dance, start bootscootin’.

Unless your boss is like Tom Cruise in Eyes Wide Shut and you’re asked to turn up wearing only a hood and a Viennese mask, it’s better to participate.

Better to be the fun fool, than the Grinch feeling superior from the sidelines.

5. Never get on a boat

Never get on a boat.

I don’t care if it’s a $2 million superyacht, don’t do it. Because you are trapped out there. And there is nowhere to get off.

The most important of all WCP rules?

6. Have the merriest of merry Christmases

Have a merry Christmas.

And remember: there are no work friends; there are only friends.

Kate co-hosts Hughesy & Kate, 4-6pm weekdays, on the KIIS FM network.

Originally published as Kate Langbroek’s tips for surviving the work Christmas party