Is there anything that people won’t steal?

I SET a test for society, writes Joe Hildebrand, and society failed. At which point one might reasonably ask: “What the @#$% is wrong with you people?”

Joe Hildebrand: “Yes, it is a sad indictment on society that not even a pot plant or transitional musical odyssey is safe.” Picture: Nigel Lough

I’M proud to say I live in the kind of neighbourhood where people keep an eye on your house and car when you go away. The only catch is, this is partly so they can steal from them.

In recent years, we’ve noticed strange objects go missing with almost no other explanation than out-and-out burglary.

I say “almost” because my wife was pregnant for 18 months of those years, and she may have visited the dump in a prenatal nesting frenzy and then completely forgotten about it the next day. Search your hearts, ladies. You know it’s true.

The first object was an expensive stroller we had left on the veranda, to which one might reasonably say: “Well, it’s your fault for buying an expensive stroller and leaving it on the veranda.”

I had falsely assumed there was little danger of someone abducting a three-year-old Mountain Buggy held together by gaffer tape and baby mucus.

In my defence, I say it was a test that I set for society — and society failed.

The second object was another stroller we bought to replace the first one and which we had also left on the veranda, to which one might reasonably say: “Are you @#$%ing kidding me?”

In my defence, I say I was giving society a second chance.

The third object was a Beatles box set my wife bought me, which I did not leave on the veranda but on the front seat of my car. Granted, the car was unlocked, but that’s a minor, immaterial detail.

At this point one might reasonably say, “What the @#$% is wrong with you people?”, but I feel the real message is that impoverished ice junkies with great taste in music are exploiting middle-class office workers for the sole crime of gentrifying their suburbs. Honestly, where is the gratitude?

It also raises another question: is there anything people won’t steal? Hotel workers already know that any object smaller than the bathtub ends up in the hand luggage faster than you can say, “Do not disturb.”

And, recently, my sister strolled past a sign on a picket fence that warned passers-by to stop stealing plants from the garden. “Seriously,” it added, “who does that?”

Sure, I was once tempted to remove a bag of potting mix from my neighbour’s front lawn, but that’s only because I knew it was suffocating the Sir Walter.

My sister and I were raised in the belief that the best defence against theft is to make all your worldly goods as unappealing as possible. Indeed, we grew up in a house that would actually have looked tidier if a pack of robbers had gone through it.

Stellar, April 9

And so, in the case of #stroller-gate, I had falsely assumed there was little danger of someone abducting a three-year-old Mountain Buggy held together by gaffer tape and baby mucus.

Likewise, the Beatles collection, I have to confess, was the mono version. And while I never had the choice to refuse it, the burglars most certainly did.

Yes, it is a sad indictment on society that not even a pot plant or transitional musical odyssey is safe.

It’s not the object that matters, just the need to stuff your pockets with whatever you can. It’s like going shopping with Winona Ryder.

But thankfully good neighbourliness isn’t entirely lost. In fact, the other night the kids next door came over to tell me I’d left the headlights on.

Still, I thought, they could’ve just turned them off without bothering me. After all, the car was open.

Joe co-hosts Studio 10, 8.30am weekdays, on Network Ten.

Originally published as Is there anything that people won’t steal?