If these are the leaders of the free world, we’re in trouble

According to comedian Dave Hughes, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are comedic gold — but he still fears they will start World War III.

Comedian Dave Hughes has a few thoughts on the US election. Picture: Supplied

You’ve been called “the biggest and most loved name in Australian stand-up comedy”. Is that really the best Australia can do?

[Laughs] I’d like to think so. I like to think that I have a unique talent. There are a lot of comedians in Australia who would call that bullsh*t. But I’ll go to my grave thinking that I’m the biggest and most loved.

Donald Trump is comedic gold — do you hope he gets elected this week for the material?

[Laughs] Look, you don’t want World War III to start... I think they’re both crazy to be honest. I’m highly amused by this election. I’m normally not interested, but this time, I think the whole world has been sucked into this soap opera.

How does Hillary Clinton fare as comedic fodder?

They’re both absolutely nuts. Bill Clinton is a fruitcake. Poor old America. If they’re the leaders of the free world, we’re in massive trouble.

You’ve performed on stages in Montreal, LA and London’s West End. What are you looking forward to most about playing at Rooty Hill RSL later this month?

[Laughs] If the people aren’t going to come to me, I’ll go to the people. Last time I played at Rooty Hill RSL, the crowd laughed a lot and was very friendly. I’m happy to play anywhere the people laugh a lot.

Where is the most surreal place your comedy has taken you?

I did a gig just outside Darwin recently, at a gas mining camp where the miners work 60 hours a week and live in dongas — like a prison camp, basically. They finished at 5pm on Saturday and my gig was at 9pm, so I came on after they’d been solidly drinking for four hours. There were 600 or 700 very drunk people. They were laughing a lot, but at any point a riot could have broken out.

You have three young kids at home. How do they cope when you’re on tour?

FaceTime is great. You can look at your children on the phone. They don’t care. I was talking to my son [Rafferty, seven] on FaceTime and he just said, “Dad, I’m sick of holding you.” He just put the phone down and left me staring at the ceiling.

Growing up in Warrnambool, did you ever think you could make a career out of being funny?

I did. Whenever the opportunity presented for me to make a crowd laugh, I seemed to be able to do it. The idea hit me when I was about 12 or 13; I remember being really funny in the Year 6 camp play. I didn’t tell anyone about it. As the old joke goes, I didn’t want people to laugh at me. When I told people I was going to do stand up, they said, “Mate, I thought you were off the bongs. You must be back on them.”

Will this be the start of World War III? We’ll find out soon enough. Picture: AP/Julio Cortez

What’s the best heckle you’ve received onstage?

I got a heckle on Instagram the other night. My Montreal Just For Laughs show was on TV and I thought it went quite well. I got a standing ovation from the crowd. And then someone on Instagram wrote, “You’re a really good bloke, so it’s a shame you’re not very funny.” These days you get more heckles on social media than onstage. Once I was in Edinburgh and the whole crowd chanted, “F*ck off Aussie, f*ck off.” That was quite confronting. That was bordering on racism, I would say. I told them they disgusted me and they all laughed. People just want attention, basically. Hecklers are the saddest people in the world, just behind comedians.

You worked with our very own Carrie Bickmore on The Project. Was it hard for you to leave the show in 2013?

Absolutely. I go back to my days at the Warrnambool abattoir and on the dole, if someone told me back then that I would be on a nightly TV show, I would have gone, “Bullsh*t”. And then if someone told me I would leave that TV show, I would have said, “You’re kidding me.” It was a hard thing to leave. Every now and again I think it would be good to still be on the show, and then I think, “Jeez, I’d be in a meeting right now rather than just relaxing.” I’m comfortable with my decision.

What sort of pressure do you feel to be funny all the time?

Once you start making a living as a comedian, the pressure to be funny when you’re not getting paid just isn’t there. I went to a house inspection in Noosa on a Saturday morning. As I left, I heard the people behind me say, “Gee, he’s not very funny in real life, is he?” [Laughs].

Such a let-down. When was the last big belly laugh you had?

My funniest times are when I’m on radio and I’m not meant to laugh. Someone rang up and said their puppy had been picked up and taken by a crow. The puppy’s name was Fudge or something, and Fudge was missing because a bird had picked Fudge up. It was very serious, and obviously heartbreaking for the people involved. As the conversation unrolled on radio, I lost it. I got the giggles. That sort of sh*t just makes us [Hughes and co-host Kate Langbroek] laugh.

You’re often described as “a typical Aussie bloke”. What is that these days?

I’ve never tried to be a typical Aussie bloke. My way of speaking isn’t very refined. I love sport and complain about my family. I love fish and chips. But I don’t drink! How can a typical Aussie bloke be a non-drinker?

Your wife, Holly, is a former journo. What’s the most difficult question she’s asked you?

This year, she said, “If you want to continue touring stand-up comedy, you have to get a vasectomy. Now.” It wasn’t really a question; it was a statement. She gave me an ultimatum. I’d get a message when I got offstage at 10pm saying, “The kids aren’t asleep yet #snipsnip.” So, I got a vasectomy, basically.

You use your wife and kids as material — have you ever gotten in trouble for oversharing onstage?

My mother once sent me a very official email from Warrnambool. I did a joke about my wife, who had said, “If that water bottle doesn’t go in the fridge next time, I’m going to shove it up your arse.” That’s quite a violent thing for a partner to say to another partner. I extended that to say, if she didn’t do something else, I was going to shove something else up her arse. Anyway, I won’t bore you with the details. Mum’s email said, “In all the time you’ve done comedy, I’ve never told you not to do a routine. But that joke is about the mother of your children and I do not approve.” I still kept doing the joke...

Tickets for Dave’s Sweet tour are on sale now: davehughes.com.au

Originally published as If these are the leaders of the free world, we’re in trouble