David Campbell: ‘I’m not having a Midlife Crisis. Am I?’

“AGE suddenly doesn’t mean much to me in my mid-40s,” writes David Campbell. “Do you know why? I feel like I’ve missed the biggest trap of all. The Midlife Crisis. At least, I think I have.”

David Campbell: “WebMD wouldn’t lie to me. It’s basically a doctor.” (Pic: Damian Bennett for Stellar)

AS I sauntered towards my 45th birthday earlier this month, I humbly admit, I felt truly happy. I’d never been comfortable as a teenager. Hey, who is? My teen years were full of bad acne, Brut 33 and one helluva mullet.

My 20s felt like trying to compensate for not going to uni or TAFE. So, of course, I got a David Beckham faux-hawk with frosted tips. I wasn’t stopping to smell the roses, and as I reached my 30s I was not happy.

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Crisis? What crisis?

Then, I met my wonderful wife with whom I now share a wonderful life, and feel fortunate to have three gorgeous kids who are a wonderful handful.

So age suddenly doesn’t mean much to me in my mid-40s. Do you know why? I feel like I’ve missed the biggest trap of all. The Midlife Crisis.

I can look in the mirror and say, “I do not have an earring. I do not have a red sports car. No hair piece.” Come on! This isn’t anything like I read about on WebMD (which I just did).

“Of course you are having a midlife crisis, dear,” exclaims my extremely British wife from the passenger seat of our large family car full of old sultanas and chip packets. “I mean, look at you. It’s just that you are having one like the dad in Paddington 2.” For those who are not down with the sequel to this school holidays movie classic, the dad (not a bear) starts juicing and doing yoga.

“Just like you!” Miss Marple concludes as we park the car. “You do those things and more. It’s like you are having the crisis — but on the other end of the spectrum.”

Close up of me: my knuckles are gripping the steering wheel. I look into the rear-view mirror, sweat beading on my now obviously lined forehead. Should I get some Bro-tox for that? Wait, is that a greying eyebrow hair? Is it two?? My world is spinning. I feel like I am falling backwards into my own half-life crossroads — lovingly nudged by the most trusted person in my life. When did this start? Have I missed the warning signs?

WebMD wouldn’t lie to me. It’s basically a doctor. It’s all the surgeons in the world on the internet, right?

David Campbell’s column features in this week’s issue of Stellar.

I am startled by a knock on my windscreen. “Come on, no time for a crisis. We’ve got to get dinner on.” She is now sounding like a sassy Mary Poppins.

I open the door to the people mover and four Shopkins fall out at my feet. This wouldn’t happen if I bought a car like Magnum P.I. It would just be me, my full dark moustache and my Hawaiian shirt. Not a care in the world. Just adventure and rubbernecking at the kids in the street as they yell out to each other, “Check him out — he’s still got it.”

I’d rev the car, wink and say “You bet kids”, or something cooler. How much would it be to insure that car though? Bloody hell. You’d be too scared to drive it. I also can’t grow a mo worth talking about. It’d be cheaper to just keep juicing.

I walk into the mania that is my house and think, “If this is my crisis, then I am loving it. Fire up the NutriBullet, kids. Daddy’s home!”

David co-hosts Today Extra, 9am weekdays, on the Nine Network.

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Originally published as David Campbell: ‘I’m not having a Midlife Crisis. Am I?’