David Campbell: ‘Dear Facebook, you’d never betray me, right?’

“I AM having some major status anxiety at the moment. Not with my wife, or my work or my family,” writes David Campbell. “But with social media. Is it time for me to #DeleteFacebook?”

David Campbell: “I have sat and allowed my mouse to hover over the deactivate button for over a month now.” (Pic: Nigel Lough)

WHAT’S on my mind? It’s complicated. I am having some major status anxiety at the moment. Not with my wife, or my work or my family. I am having angst about social media. Mainly Facebook.

I like to consider myself an early adopter of new things. I have been on the Zuckerberg tilt for nearly a decade. I watched slowly as my family joined and started liking all the baby photos I put up. I was an early pioneer of the breakfast photo (sorry, Millennials). I have liked, poked, commentated on posts and ignored random friend requests. And I’ve even avoided FarmVille for all those years.

Most would agree that never in our wildest dreams would we end up saying “Should we #DeleteFacebook?”

Mark Zuckerberg says we should #KeepFacebook. (Pic: AFP/Saul Loeb)

It makes me think of Tom [Anderson] from MySpace. Remember that guy? Happily staring over his shoulder saying, “Hey cool cats, keep me in your top eight and connect to the world. You can trust me, dudes and dude-ettes. I am not going to give your information to the… Russians.” (Sound of record scratching.)

Let’s be real. This is what happened with Marky Zucks and his gang. You know what really Zucks? Mining my information to use against me. Read my lips... I just wanna play Scrabble and watch funny cat videos while I quietly resent your holiday. (The Maldives? Really? Who are you... Beyoncé?)

David Campbell’s column features in Stellar magazine.

So, I have sat and allowed my mouse to hover over the deactivate button for over a month now. Then, I take a really cute video of my kids and immediately reach for the blue app to post it. Where else can I do it? Sure, Twitter if you like trolls. “How about Instagram?” I hear you ask. Well, it’s owned by Facebook but, more to the point, my mother isn’t on the ’Gram, thank you smarty pants. “Hang on, just get on WhatsApp,” you say. Yup, also Facebook-owned… plus, what is this, Question Time in Parliament?

I am in The Godfather Part III. Every time I think I’m out, they pull me back in. Also, that one is THE WORST of the Godfather films. The Book of Faces has made me quote the one that starred Andy GarcÍa. Ugh.

What are we going to do? I tell you what we are going to do. Nothing. We are going to bury our heads in the warm, cushy comfort of our news feeds. Scroll mindlessly and endlessly to escape our lives. Post the perfect photo of our kidson the day when they were the worstbehaved little blighters ever. We are going to LOL at videos of puppies and just wish it all away.

Sweet Facebook. You complete me. You would never betray me. Right?

David co-hosts Today Extra, 9am weekdays, on the Nine Network.

Originally published as David Campbell: ‘Dear Facebook, you’d never betray me, right?’