Carrie Bickmore: Why losing is good for kids

“I JUST watched my son lose his footy match by a point”, writes Carrie Bickmore. “He was really bummed. But it is normal and healthy for him to have had to deal with a loss.”

Carrie Bickmore: “Watching your kids navigate life, the joy and the pain, is sometimes harder than navigating it yourself.” (Pic: Cameron Grayson for Stellar)

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I JUST watched my son lose his under-11s footy grand final by a point. One single point. One little moment in that game and the result could have been different. He didn’t say much after the game; he was really bummed. To be honest, so was I.

I have lost lots of competitions in my life. Tennis matches, media awards, the 1994 Rock Eisteddfod — that one really hurt 15-year-old me, but Ollie’s grand final hurt a little bit more.

I know I wasn’t even playing but somehow feeling the loss through my son is 100 times harder than losing myself. He didn’t want my consoling words and rejected my hugs. The only thing that worked was some hot chips, and that lasted about a minute!

“I know I wasn’t even playing but somehow feeling the loss through my son is 100 times harder than losing myself.” (Pic: iStock)

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I’ve never been that into footy. I’ve watched loads of AFL and appreciated the dedication of the players, but never fully engaged or even really understood the rules.

Seeing my son play his first season of footy has opened my eyes to the passion of both the players and the supporters of this game. In his one and only season to date, Ollie has learnt about the responsibility of being in a team, the necessity of sportsmanship and the importance of losing, as well as winning.

I don’t get to see all of Ollie’s tennis wins, or his musical performances, due to being a working mum. It’s sucked many times. I recall distinctly sitting on The Project desk getting minute by minute updates of a basketball grand final a few years back where Ollie won the game for the team with a free throw in the final seconds. He was on such a high for days afterwards. But for me, it was brutal. I missed it.

Losing is actually good for kids. Even though it might not look it. (Pic: iStock)

There was something about today’s little moment — watching from the sidelines, screaming (a little too much!), becoming an expert in shepherding (momentarily) and watching him smother a ball before he punched out a handball to assist a goal — that will stick with me forever.

It’s the first of many losses he’ll have to endure in life and already pales in significance to some of the heartache and tragedy he has seen as a little boy.

Nonetheless, these losses on the footy field, the tennis court or the debating stand are all building the resilience he needs to face life and its many heartbreaks.

I had to smile watching Aussie John Millman’s parents being interviewed after his fourth round win against Roger Federer at the US Open. They were so proud of their boy, but also a little nonchalant.

Carrie Bickmore’s column is in this Sunday’s Stellar.

Maybe it was shock. They had clearly driven their boy to thousands of matches, were used to watching him win and lose, and certainly weren’t expecting him to beat the Fed-Express. They hadn’t even seen the game! Millman’s dad was teaching his class (made me feel better about missing some of Ollie’s sport) and Mum had grandkids to babysit. How normal and beautiful. She confessed she gets too nervous watching him anyway. I get that!

Watching your kids navigate life, the joy and the pain, is sometimes harder than navigating it yourself. I keep telling him that winning a grand final during his first season playing would give him nothing to look forward to.

I only half believe it, but I do think in a world where we can’t stand our kids being disappointed, it is normal and healthy for him to have had to deal with a loss. It’s just a game, but he cares about it — and it’s the little moments you care about in life that matter.

Carrie co-hosts The Project, 6.30pm weeknights on Network Ten, and Carrie & Tommy, 3pm weekdays on the Hit Network.

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Originally published as Carrie Bickmore: Why losing is good for kids