‘Your children didn’t ask to be born’: SAS Australia’s Ant Middleton’s parenting advice

SAS Australia’s Ant Middleton reveals how to be a better dad after admitting he used to be an absent father who never put his kids first.

SAS Australia's Ant Middleton and two of his four children. Source: Instagram

My career as an elite soldier meant that for many years I failed as a husband and father. It’s not a nice thing to have to write, but it’s true. The military got the best parts of me. I’m trying to do everything I can to make amends.

I now see work as the thing that supports my family, not the other way round. My priorities have shifted. If I fail at work I can always find another project. If my family falls apart then I’ll be spending the rest of my life trying to pick up the pieces. Most of all, I now know this – being a father isn’t something you can half-do. You’re a father every single second of the day – even when you’re ill, or knackered, or would prefer to be doing literally anything other than wiping a child’s bottom.

THE RESPONSIBILITY THAT NEVER ENDS

People prioritise work and they don’t even realise it. They will bend over backwards to support their team at work, and then they’re so lazy at home that they expect their family to do everything for them.

At home you should be thinking 100 per cent about your family, says Ant Middleton.

Remember this: your children didn’t ask to be born. They don’t exist to fill some gaping emotional hole inside you. They don’t owe you anything. They are your responsibility. And that doesn’t end when they turn 18 or get married or have kids.

As parents, our job is to teach them about life. I’m also adamant that they must learn to think for themselves. I make sure my children are self-sufficient. I want them to do chores — by contributing they’re finding out what it means to be given responsibility.

BUILD THE WALL

Some people think there’s something glamorous about spinning plates, that people who make work calls while they’re knocking up their kids’ dinners are somehow heroic, that it’s fine for your mind to be in two places at once. That’s utter bollocks. You have to build a wall between your professional and personal lives. At work you should be thinking 100 per cent about your job. At home you should be thinking 100 per cent about your family. Your kids will notice if you’re preoccupied. But more than that, I believe it’s your responsibility to shield your children from the stresses and strains of adult life. Let your children enjoy their childhood.

LEADERS OF THE PACK

You and your partner are leaders of a pack and you’re the ones who are responsible for the mood in your home. You should always be conscious of the energy you emit and the impact it will have on anybody who comes into contact with you. Children don’t listen to much you tell them, but they’re watching everything you do. That’s how they learn about the world and how to exist within it. What do you want them to see?

HAPPY FAMILIES ARE NO ACCIDENT

I’m not naive. I know that time and circumstance can prevent you from being the parent you want to be. But I don’t understand those fathers and mothers who are fatalistic about their families – the type that think that it’s just a matter of chance that some families get on and others don’t, or that some kids have manners and others none. Instead of working at the problem, they just shrug their shoulders and pour themselves another glass of rosé. I pay attention to my family. That’s because I want to do everything I can to help them all thrive.

The thing is, children don’t need much. They need to feel secure, they need to feel loved and they want a bit of guidance. When children misbehave, the majority of the time it’s because they want some form of attention.

SAS Australia's Ant Middleton with his family. Source: Instagram

LESSONS

Don’t force your kids to deal with your problems: Your children don’t need to know about your troubles with your boss. When you walk through that door, you’re a parent, not an employee. Act like it.

Set the right example: Your children might not listen to a word you say, but they’ll see and hear everything that goes on under your roof.

Families don’t fix themselves: You can’t sit back and hope that your children will muddle along. Make it your business to find out their problems. Give them the discipline and structure they need to thrive.

This is an edited extract from Mental Fitness, by Ant Middleton, which is available for purchase now.

Originally published as ‘Your children didn’t ask to be born’: SAS Australia’s Ant Middleton’s parenting advice