Sex over too quickly? Perhaps it’s time to consider tantric sex as a couple — or on your own

Sexologists Cam Fraser and Chantelle Otten explain the basics of tantric sex and how Australian couples can discover more pleasure.

When asked to name the worst thing about sex, 34 per cent of Australian men and 29 per cent of women say when it is over too quickly.

This result from the latest Lovehoney’s Sexual Happiness Survey shows that taking time in the bedroom is highly valued and is a skill that needs focus and attention.

And that’s where tantric sex could help slow things down and heat things up in your love life.

“One of the main principles and practises of tantra is slowing down and connecting with yourself, your body and your partner’s body and sensations,” says Cam Fraser, one of Australia’s leading sex coaches, certified relationships counsellor and tantric yoga teacher.

Australian Institute of Sexology and Sexual Medicine director and respected psycho-sexologist Chantelle Otten agrees.

“For those in a long-term relationship, experimenting with slow, sensual sex can help reignite the spark and demonstrate to your partner that you’re prioritising your connection. We often get caught up in other aspects of our lives and don’t take enough time to actively focus on intimacy.”

Here is our Libido Coaches’ beginners’ guide to tantric sex.

Gazing into each other's eyes and connecting is an important part of tantric sex.

WHAT IS TANTRIC?

Cam: In today’s society, tantra is a modern interpretation of the historical and philosophical tantra, which originated in Northern India. This modernised interpretation is referred to as neo-tantra. Tantric sex focuses on the journey versus the outcome, combining spiritual with physical for a deeper connection and can be practised solo or with a partner.

WHY EXPERIMENT WITH TANTRA?

Chantelle: I like to think of tantric sex as a celebration that builds a deeper connection beyond just the physical. It’s about feeling and experiencing pleasure not purely on reaching orgasm or being singularly goal orientated.

Cam: For people who have penises, the benefits can extend to overcoming premature ejaculation or discovering an ability to experience non-ejaculatory orgasms. This can allow for longer sexual experiences and greater relaxation during sex.

Tantric sex holds a lot of potential benefits for couples or those in a relationship. Couples who try tantric sex often experience a new and deeper connection with their partner/s, along with increased communication and trust.

For new couples or those still in the honeymoon stage, engaging a professional tantric practitioner or trying out some neo-tantric practises at home, can show that you’re open to forming a deeper and more intimate connection.

HOW TO GET STARTED

Chantelle: It’s important to relax and lean into the experience, focus on being present in the moment, as this will allow you and your partner to feel more pleasure. To do this it helps to minimise distractions, so put your phone on silent, or in another room and ensure you have enough time to enjoy the experience.

Cam: The tantric journey starts before any penetration. Build anticipation with your partner for what is to come, touch, caress, kiss or do an activity together like a slow, sensual full-body massage.

Breath is the foundation to tantra, try slowing or speeding up your breath to elicit new reactions from your body. Or you can maintain your breath, keeping it at a constant, breathing in and out for the same length of time, this is probably the easiest breath practice to sync with your partner during your sexual activity.

Sex coach Cam Fraser says there’s no shame in exploring tantra alone.

GOING IT ALONE

Cam: There is no shame in exploring tantra alone. In-fact tantric masturbation or solo tantra, is an ideal starting point for anyone to start their tantric sex journey.

It can help individuals in many ways including accessing and achieving greater pleasure and discovering full-body or multiple orgasms, all the way through to releasing sexual blocks, and possibly helping you heal from potential sexual trauma.

Set the mood first, you’ll want it to feel sensual. Don’t underestimate setting the mood just for yourself, you want to ritualise the experience. At the heart of neo-tantra is breathing. Box breathing, also known as square breathing, is a great breathwork exercise used to slow down your breathing which can be applied to tantric sex to help ease your mind and become present. This involves breathing in for a count of four, holding your breath here for a count of four, breathing out for a count of four, and holding your breath again for a count of four. When you begin touching, don’t go straight to your usual pleasure zones, go to your secondary erogenous zones — inner thighs, neck and hands, for example.

SOLO WITH TOYS

Chantelle: Sex toys are a great part of neo-tantra and are encouraged for solo sessions. Try using toys that can create different sensations, such as glass or stainless steel dildos, for some temperature play. Again, use these toys slowly around your secondary pleasure zones and embrace the feeling before moving to your primary pleasure zones.

Chantelle Otten.

THINGS TO TRY TOGETHER

1. On the edge

Chantelle: Experiment with edging — remaining in a heightened state of arousal by building up and then simmer, then build up again and let go.

There are great resources, such as Tantric Sex Cards, that give myriad tantra practices to try, from orgasm delay techniques to positions to connect more deeply with your partner.

2. Use your eyes

Chantelle: Eye gazing or soul gazing is another well-known tantra practice and involves looking into your partner’s eyes helping to feel closer and fostering a deeper connection.

Next move onto exploring each other and take turns serving each other. Explore their erogenous zones and create different sensations. Take away a sense with a blindfold or handcuffs, or incorporate toys such as a vibrator to enhance the experience. Then build on exploring each other’s bodies, how your bodies move and react.

3. Find what feels good

Cam: My two takeaways are to create a safe and comfortable environment that sets the mood, and enjoy the journey, be curious and experimental — tantric sex shouldn’t follow a script; it’s about experiencing different sensations and what feels right and good in the moment.

Chantelle: While all sex is about pleasure, tantric sex places an emphasis on slowing down the journey and focusing on pleasure while you’re in an erotic zone, rather than simply galloping towards an end goal such as orgasming. It allows us this great way to be intimate with ourselves or with others without worrying or feeling pressure to perform.

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