Men with perimenopausal partners should stop, talk – and not take it personally

Leading psychologist Dr Sandy Rea advises blokes with irritable perimenopausal partners to not take it personally. Here are the signs to look for.

Q Over the past few months, I’ve noticed my partner becoming increasingly irritable, which is unlike her. We now recognise that she’s entered perimenopause and I want to know how to best support her. She tells me that she randomly cries, forgets things, and feels lost. We have agreed on enjoying a wine together every night, but I’m not sure if that’s the best I can do.

A trying husband, via email.

W hat a good question! You are to be commended for showing such concern for your partner and what she is experiencing.

The first thing you can do is have a clear understanding of what perimenopause is. Perimenopause is a normal period of every woman’s life before entering menopause. For some women, it’s a time of celebration, not having to be concerned with pregnancy or contraception. For others, it’s a symbol of ageing and a time of sadness, realising that they no longer can have children.

Typically, it is characterised by numerous uncomfortable bodily changes: irregular menstrual cycles, hot flushes, fluctuating hormones, and sleep disturbances. The combination of these may give rise to emotional instability, anxiety, low energy, decreased sexual interest, and brain fog.

All of this – for both you and your partner – can be very unsettling.

Perimenopause has consequences for men too; for example, it may be difficult understanding why your partner cries uncontrollably or yells disproportionately.

We know that poor sleep, which often occurs with perimenopause, impacts mental health. The research also suggests that the earlier perimenopause occurs, the more chances that depression will be experienced.

Perimenopause can be unsettling for women and men.

STRONG STRATEGY

Equipped with this knowledge, the next thing you can do is develop a strong communication strategy that allows your partner to express what she is feeling and thinking.

For example, bodily changes such as weight gain might make your partner feel self-conscious and decrease her desire to have sex. Further, these changes often mean engaging in sex is painful. So, she needs to be reassured that you understand that.

Don’t take it personally. Initiate other ways of intimacy such as massage, kissing, cuddling, or whatever ensures both of you continue to enjoy an intimate relationship and feel connected. Make her feel special.

Similarly, spending some nights in a different bed allows you to have a good sleep and to take care of yourself. No need for two grumpy adults.

BRAIN FOG

Which leads us on to our next consideration: brain fog. Often your partner might seem incomprehensible or irrational – she isn’t. Your partner may be experiencing brain fog due to hormonal changes taking place in her body.

Be patient and understand where she’s coming from. You can be assured she is not enjoying this either.

Psychologist Sandy Rea.

With patience, this time in both your lives can be managed and even enjoyed! If you ever feel that her mental health is not being managed and she is experiencing lengthy times of distress, discuss if she might consider a few sessions with a psychologist.

Sandy Rea is a leading practising psychologist with 30 years of experience across issues including relationship challenges, family and parenting related matters, adolescent and developmental issues, mental health, depression and anxiety