Manners, management and moderation keys to surviving Christmas with the family

Experts say there are three key ways households can avoid winding up in a row over Christmas lunch or dinner. See their advice.

There’s a lot to love about the holiday season – the weather, the food, the presents and, of course, the time spent with family and friends.

Although many are blessed to be surrounded by loved ones this festive season, such gatherings can also be stressful.

Whether it’s being crammed around a makeshift 20-seat table with extended family you hardly know, maybe it’s the heat or maybe it’s a dodgy oyster. But the holidays can be hard.

CEO of Hello Coach Victoria Mills swears by the magic of the three Ms – manners, management and moderation – to help survive Christmas with a belly full of pavlova and your emotional triggers contained.

Mills, who has been a relationship coach for 20 years, urges those prone to conflict at Christmas to take the high road, manage expectations of what the holidays are about and to avoid excessive consumption of food and alcohol.

“We put so much pressure on sticking with our family groups for the holidays when, for many, it can be highly toxic,” Mills says.

“Some people think Christmas is suddenly going to bring about a different result. They go in with Christmas lights in their eyes but the same issues from the year before are still there. When everyone gets put together in one environment, it can be a bit of a pressure cooker for conflict.”

Mills recommends having a conversation about behavioural expectations with guests before the big day, either over the phone or as a written message.

Relationship coach Victoria Mills.

“Putting boundaries in place is number one,” she says.

“You can send out a lovely email, text or have individual conversations with everyone joining, just to say you’re looking forward to seeing everyone and to please respect that some conversations need to be kept away from the dining room table.

“Sometimes a simple message like that sets the tone, and if you are the one hosting, then you are well within your rights to be able to set those expectations.”

Of course, an email is unlikely to stop the most difficult and determined of family members from saying what they want to say. In these situations, Mills says to try to remember why everyone has come together.

“If a tough topic does come up that you want to react to, come back to a place of parking the conversation and arranging a time in the future in a more private space to really talk through it,” she says.

“Some people might not have the awareness or understanding of putting boundaries in place so, if that’s the case, then don’t sit near them or remove yourself from the space.

“It’s about coming back to establishing boundaries and also taking personal accountability for how you’re speaking and behaving, and how you want to be remembered on that day.”

Mills also cautions those who enjoy a festive tipple to keep track of their alcohol intake.

“It can make you feel grumpy and frustrated, and you want to go in there being your best self,” she says.

Mills says while we might be trying to appreciate the time together and to create beautiful memories, our wellbeing still has to come first.

“If others are unable to stick to neutral topics and set things aside for the day, then I would leave,” she says. “Give yourself permission to leave. You have a choice and people forget this.

“Your mental wellbeing is really important so do what you need to do to look after yourself among family dynamics that you may or may not be able to control.”

SURVIVING THE SEASON

Journalist, author and mother Jess Rowe has her five top tips for anyone putting up family or friends this Christmas to keep the process as smooth and comfortable as possible.

Jess Rowe with the Koala Bed Sofa.

The self-dubbed Crap Housewife says it all boils down to preparation.

Learn to delegate: “Share the festive season duties around. Identify what everyone is good at and ask them.”

Nail sleeping arrangements: “Sleep and comfort seem to be at the heart of guests being Christmas angels or grinches. You may risk it with a blow-up mattress for one night, but you’ll be waking up to some grumpy guests with some bad backs. My favourite is Koala’s Bed Sofa.”

Anything can be a guest room: “Guest rooms are fluid. With the right decorations, any room in the house can be a temporary B&B.”

Keep a well-stocked pantry: “Give guests a change to take lunch leftovers and make a sandwich, and have plenty of fresh fruit on hand too – then nothing goes to waste.”

Plan, plan and plan: “Take a leaf out of Santa’s book, who’s planning months in advance.”