There’s one big problem when it comes to a couple's sex life, and it’s stopping plenty of us from living our best lives in the bedroom. Because no matter how much you love spag bol, no one wants to eat it every single night. 

As someone with the inside scoop into how Aussies are really fairing in the bedroom, sex coach Georgia Grace doesn’t hold back on revealing what the biggest issue is when it comes to getting intimate. 

“Sexual confidence is one of the most common sexual concerns that people have,” she tells Body+Soul. “And I think every single person at some point will lack sexual confidence, or their confidence within sex may change. So it’s very, very common, and very normal, and the majority of people will understand that feeling and will be familiar with it.” 

Yet despite the fact that we’re all feeling like nervous Nellies under the sheets, we have this wild misconception that those around us know exactly what they’re doing. 

“We have this assumption that everyone is more sexually confident than us, or that everyone is more experienced than us, or that everyone knows more about sex than us,” Grace explains. “And I even hear it anecdotally in session from people who present as really sexually confident. They’ll tell me that people see them in this specific way, but actually they’re also struggling with their sexual confidence.”

It was this common conundrum that inspired the sex and relationships practitioner to pen her own book, The Modern Guide to Sex, which was launched in October to rapturous fanfare at a Sydney party.

But the highlight for many came after the book’s final word, after the citations and after the acknowledgements. On pages 264-267:The sex menu. 

“I wanted to be able to give people the tools and resources so that they could initiate these conversations [about what they want in bed],” Grace says. “Because often people will say to me, ‘It's on the tip of my tongue but I just don’t know how to say it to my partner’, or ‘I dont have the language for it’, and that will stop them from asking or stop them from talking about it. 

“So what I really wanted to do in creating this book was to externalise that and use this sex menu as inspiration and allow for all people involved, not to be an expert just yet, but to have this book and be like, ‘Oh, I don't know if I'm going to be into this, we don't know how it's going to go, but let's just explore and try it together’.”

What exactly is a sex menu?

“As the name suggests, it's a place where you can put all kinds of sexual activities or types of touch or types of experiences down, and then you can go through and feel into it, either on your own or with someone else, to get a sense of what you want and what you like,” Grace says. 

Flicking through my copy of The Modern Guide to Sex, my eyes run down the list. 69, anal play, blindfolds, dirty talk, group sex, kink, spanking and voyeurism jump out at me as my blood begins to head south. But so too does aftercare, condoms, flirting, hugs, intimacy, kissing, mindful sex, and tantra. It really is a bucket list of what may or may not tickle your tastebuds. 

Why do you need a sex menu? 

Beyond a shortfall in sexual confidence, Grace says there are numerous barriers that might prevent people from asking for what they want in bed.

“The sex menu has been incredibly useful for a lot of my clients because a lot of them will say to me, ‘I don't even know what's out there so I'm not sure about what I can ask for’ or ‘I don't even know what I'm into’,” the sex coach explains. 

Or there could be a fear of judgement or shame from a partner if you speak up. “It could be the thought that if they ask for it and their partner isn't into it, then they'll have to navigate the awkwardness of that or that they may ask for something and then they realise they don't actually like it and then they need to tell their partner.  

“There are so many things that get in the way and that's not even mentioning the bigger systemic things that are going on, like slut shaming and all other systems of oppression that may affect our wants, needs and desires.”

Grace says having a sex menu allows us to externalise what we want, while providing a solution to those who don’t know what is out there. “So you can go through it and be like, ‘Oh, that's interesting, that's a yes for me and that's no for me, but this is where we sync up as well’.” 

So, how does a sex menu work? 

“In my sex menu, I have a list of a range of sex experiences and acts in one column, and then in the next column there's a yes, in the next column there's a no, and in the last column there is an ‘I need more information’,” the sex practitioner says. “So it's basically for you to go through on your own or with someone else and learn more about what you want or what you're curious about.”

Although Grace does recommend looking at it alone first. “Often, where I would start with any kind of new exploration, is to take a moment for yourself to reflect on it, to think about it on your own, and to take some time to really inquire and to get curious, and then if there’s anything in there that you want more information about, you can do some research. And then you can go through it together.

“But then it's also designed as a tool to be used when having sex with other people as well. So whether that's a long-term partner or a casual fling.”

Does a sex menu really work?

Besides the lack of confidence en masse, the other thing that’s stopping Aussies from living their best sexual experiences is that “the majority of people are having sex in a very, very specific way where they figure out something, and often that’s getting naked and penetration, and they stick with that," says Grace. 

“Or if they're in a long-term relationship, they'll know how to touch or lick or suck someone in a very specific way to get them off, and that's great that you learn about their body, but there's always new things that you can explore,” she explains. 

Like I say, you can’t eat spag bol seven days a week. “So really the sex menu is designed so that people can create novelty in their relationship,” says Grace, “and have even more pleasure.” 

The Modern Guide To Sex by Georgia Grace, $37.50 from amazon.com.au

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