Want to end violence against women? This is how

IT’S TIME for the age-old cycle of violence to end. Because two dead women a week is too much. And because we — all of us — are better than that.

Violence

IT’S TIME for the age-old cycle of violence to end. Because two dead women a week is too much. And because we — all of us — are better than that.

It’s a terrible statistic and one many children know about thanks to overhearing the news — in 2015, two women a week are reported to have been killed by partners or ex-partners, doubling our already bad annual family violence toll.

As parents, it’s difficult enough to explain a story about a tragic death on those occasions when you haven’t reached the TV or radio fast enough to try to turn it off to protect little ears. It’s even harder to know how and when is the right way to raise the issue of violence against women without potentially traumatising girls or making boys feel bad about their gender.

Neither outcome is helpful or desired, but given one in three Australian women aged over 15 will experience violence; parents are being encouraged to join the wider community campaign to educate girls — and especially boys — about what is and is not OK.

Shifting the focus

As the national discussion about how to reduce violence and sexual violence against women finally starts to shift from questions such as “why didn’t she leave” or “what was she doing in that situation” and towards discussing how to change attitudes among men that foster a climate in which violence seems acceptable, parents are being enlisted into the anti-violence struggle.

We’re being asked to address the issue in a very meaningful — and age-appropriate — way.

As groups such as the new national anti-violence and advocacy group, Our Watch, have shown through 2015 research, attitudes towards girls and women among men and boys are a key factor in reducing tolerance of abuse and violence — and the younger healthy ones are formed, the better.

Earlier this year, research done for Our Watch’s youth arm, The Line, revealed some disturbing views about what young people think is justifiable violence or sexual violence: one in three 12 to 24 year-olds thought “exerting control over someone is not a form of violence”, and one in four young people did not think it was serious if a man who is normally gentle, slaps his girlfriend while he is drunk.

One in six of the young 3000 young respondents thought women should “know their place” and one in four thought it was normal for men to pressure women into sex.

Their findings are shocking

The Line ambassador, former AFL footballer Luke Ablett, said the findings shocked him. “That’s borderline rape. So that is a really concerning thing that that’s how young boys and young girls are entering into their first sexual experiences, where they think its normal to pressure or force someone into that,” he said.

Our Watch chair Natasha Stott Despoja said the findings showed parents were not talking to their children about relationships and sex. This is despite the fact that whether parents like or want to acknowledge it or not (and who does?), boys were being exposed to porn, some of it hardcore, at far younger ages than in previous generations.

Thankfully, no one is pressuring parents to take young boys aside and lecture them about subjects that will be far beyond the developmental level of many. But we are being strongly urged to instil in our sons a respect for female peers that is lacking in some sectors of older generations (as reflected in The Line research).

We’re not being told we have to turn our boys into feminists by force, but we are being advised to teach the kind of values that will give their generation of men the best chance of healthy and strong relationships with women, and hopefully reduce community tolerance for acts of violence against women — large and small.

Placing the blame on the perpetrators, not the victims

Former Victorian Police Chief, Ken Lay is one of many authorities to have emphasised the importance of fostering anti-violence, and pro-respect attitudes towards girls and women among boys and young men. He has stressed the importance of placing the blame for violence against women on perpetrators, and not on victims.

“When it (violence against women) happens we might think, ‘Well, why did she marry him?’ just as we might think of a rape victim, ‘Well, why was she wearing a short skirt?’

“When we imagine this sort of complicity for the victim — when we essentially blame them — we are congratulating ourselves for our superior judgment, a judgment that will ensure it never happens to us.

“When we do this, we come up with the wrong answers about why violence happens.”

He wants everyone to help bust the myth that victims of family or sexual violence are complicit in their own abuse, and reminds all of us — including parents — that disparaging attitudes towards girls and women are at one end of the “continuum of violence against women”. While the connection between attitudes kids don’t even know they hold and violent behaviours later in life may seem difficult to grasp, it’s been found to be real.

In the US, anti-violence educators have suggested having “the domestic violence talk” with boys and girls is up there in importance with “the sex talk”, and the earlier the better.

According to Our Watch CEO, Paul Linossier, teaching children to, “reject the stereotypes that seek to define and pigeonhole men and woman, boys and girls into limiting gender categories, roles and behaviours” is extremely important.

“Boys and men are socialised to believe that being tough, emotionless and aggressive are the hallmarks of masculinity,” he said. “Girls and women are continually sexualised and undervalued … restrictive stereotypes ripen the conditions for men’s violence against women to occur and to be tolerated.”

The importance of gender equitable attitudes

Raising boys to have a “gender equitable” (equal) attitude to men and women’s value and rights will help produce a generation more likely to prevent violence. Mr Linossier has this year reiterated the importance of the following messages:

* Men’s violence against women is the responsibility of men.

* Girls and women have the right to live in safety.

* Victim-blaming underpins the idea that it’s women’s responsibility, not male perpetrators’, to prevent violence against women.

* Challenging gender inequality is “crucial to preventing violence against women”.

In White Ribbon Week, perhaps his most important messages for parents of boys, like me, is to remind us and our men in the making that “we must eradicate aggression from the story of what it means to be a boy/man, NOT teach girls/women to be tougher so they can handle it”.

If we succeed in this, life for our children of both genders will be a richer, more stable, safer place.

Are you a victim of domestic violence?

There are a vast number of Australian organisations, support groups and helplines dedicated to domestic violence victims. White Ribbon have a comprehensive list on their website, as well as a state-by-state guide. Click here to view this list in its entirety.

* 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732): 24 hour, National Sexual Assault, Family & Domestic Violence Counselling Line for any Australian (male or female) who has experienced, or is at risk of, family and domestic violence and/or sexual assault.

* Lifeline has a national number who can help put you in contact with a crisis service in your State (24 hours) 131 114

* Telephone counselling for children and young people. Freecall: 1800 551 800.

* Australian Childhood Foundation: Counselling for children and young people affected by abuse 1800 176 453 www.childhood.org.au or www.stopchildabuse.com.au

* Relationships Australia — Support groups and counselling on relationships, and for abusive and abused partners. 1300 364 277 www.relationships.com.au

* ASCA (Adults Surviving Child Abuse) A service to adult survivors, their friends and family and the health care professionals who support them. Support line: 1300 657 380 www.asca.org.au

* The Department of Community Services Domestic Violence Line is the primary information service for people experiencing domestic violence in NSW. The DV line is free and staffed 24 hours, 7 days a week. Ph. 1800 65 64 63

Research shows that violence is a learned behaviour. Let’s stop it now for the next generation and #teachourboys.

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Originally published as Want to end violence against women? This is how