‘Straight’ men are using dating apps to hook up with other men

An anonymous message has alerted Jana Hocking to the fact that many ‘straight’ men take to gay dating apps to meet with other men.

The other day I was at dinner with my favourite gay husband aka ‘gusband’ and we were halfway through a bottle of red, so of course the conversation quickly delved into my favourite topic: our sex lives.

As I am basically a nun at the moment *sigh*, my friends update was far more interesting. He revealed that he’s currently sleeping with a straight guy.

Umm … excuse me what? Yep, turns out they met on a gay dating app called Scruff and the guy is in a straight relationship, but likes to venture further afield every now and then.

Now as someone who subscribes to the belief that there is no such thing as gay or straight, rather that sexuality sits on a spectrum and is far more complex then a simple black and white answer, I’m always a little bit chuffed when I hear about people who are brave enough to explore their sexuality.

Dating guru subscribes to idea sexuality is a spectrum. Picture: Instagram/Jana Hocking

I mean, sure, it’s not great that the bloke is kinda cheating, but that aside, I think there’s no harm in trying on new hats to see what they like when it comes to sex. (Obviously within healthy boundaries).

When I asked if there were many ‘straight’ men on Scruff, he said “Oh yes, heaps!” I ventured further and asked how many ‘straight’ guys he’s slept with and after a little pondering he said “Oh about ten”.

T-E-N!

Jana Hocking dives into the secret lives of 'straight' men. Picture: Instagram/Jana Hocking

He went further and said that most of them had wives, or girlfriends, but they were just super curious, and it was fairly common for he and his friends to hook up with guys who called themselves straight.

I decided to delve deeper and asked more gay friends if this was common practice and it was a 100 per cent YES!

One gay friend even revealed he loves the chase when it comes to hooking up with a straight guy. Almost like it’s a fun game to play. Huh!

It reminded me of a message I got in my DMs when I hosted a ‘Tell me a saucy secret’ night on my Instagram.

A man sent Jana a revealing message. Picture: Instagram/Jana Hocking

One guy wrote; “I watch gay porn and changed my Tinder to match with blokes so I can send d**k pics because it turns me on. I’ve never been with a guy before though.”

It makes me ponder whether we will ever reach a stage where people are no longer judged for their sexuality. Just when you think we’ve come so far, you once again hear about someone being pushed back further into the closet.

So, is there really any need for labels anymore? Do they just confine and constrict us?

I remember once, in my early 20s, doing the unmentionable – yes, I went through my ex-boyfriends phone … I know tsk tsk – but it revealed some very flirty messages with another guy.

I decided to gently confront him about it. It hurt knowing he was semi-kinda-cheating on me, but what hurt more was the idea that he might be gay and too afraid to come out.

Jana Hocking said many men do this. Picture: Instagram/Jana Hocking

So I took him to a bar, ordered two shots of tequila and said: “Drink this and then I’m going to ask you a question.”

He did as told, and with a bit of tequila-bravado I simply asked him straight “So … do you think you might be gay?’

I quickly added a “I honestly don’t mind if you are, I just want you to be happy, and please know I would never judge you.”

At first he looked shocked, and then broke down in tears and revealed that yes he think he might be. It was a beautiful cathartic moment, and something, years and years later we now laugh about.

So I think the lesson here is, if you can leave judgment at the door, a robust and curious sex/love life can be a glorious thing. If only we gave people the respect and space to explore.

Jana Hocking is a columnist and collector of kind-of-boyfriends. @jana — hocking

Originally published as ‘Straight’ men are using dating apps to hook up with other men