‘Questions people ask about my sex life leave me speechless’

When Andrea Thiis-Evensen mentions her partner Ben is in a wheelchair, she gets asked some wildly inappropriate questions.

When I speak to people about my partner Ben and it comes up that he’s in a wheelchair, the questions that come back often leave me speechless.

It’s as if anything goes and our whole lives are up for debate and scrutiny – for strangers and acquaintances – just because he’s living with a physical disability.

Our relationship is one they might not have seen before, so they dive right in, forgetting we’ve only just met, and ask the most personal and inappropriate questions.

In all honesty, I don’t know many other people who get asked about their sex life just 15 minutes after meeting someone.

For Ben, it’s worse, of course. The questions he gets are more frequent and more inappropriate – we talk about his side of the story on this week’s I Swear I Neverpodcast.

Even after almost two years together, I’m still not really used to it. And I shouldn’t have to be.

“How do you have sex?”

“Can you even have sex?”

“Why is he in a wheelchair?”

“Was he in a wheelchair when you met?”

“Did it put you off that he was in a wheelchair?”

“No but really, how do you guys have sex?”

Absolute strangers feel it’s OK to ask me these questions and many, many more.

Andrea and Ben get asked a lot of inappropriate questions. Picture: Supplied

Strangers think it’s OK to ask about their sex life. Picture: Supplied

Just two days ago, a woman I had known for 15 minutes asked me if I was “worried about him being in a wheelchair and sex” when I met him.

But before I go into why these questions are not OK – let’s go back a bit.

I met Ben a year-and-a-half ago. I had just moved to Sydney, and was about to be introduced to my flatmate’s friends at a party at our house.

The first person I sat next to that night was Ben.

I noticed his incredibly cute and loyal assistance dog and asked if I could pat him. Ben said I could if I gave him my number.

He got my number but I never got to pat his dog. As I now know, service dogs – as cuddly as they look – are on duty and need to pay attention to their companion’s needs, so patting is off the table.

Andrea met Ben and his service dog at a party 18 months ago. Picture: Supplied

Anyway, that was that. We spoke for four hours that night. It was an event designed for me to make a new network of friends but I did not talk to another soul that evening.

And then I left. With Ben. We spent the whole weekend together.

Two weeks later I was spending Christmas with his family. Six months later, we moved in together.

I had met my person. But never once did I think twice about the fact that he was in a wheelchair. It really didn’t matter to me.

Andrea and Ben have been a happy couple since the night they met. Picture: Supplied

Yes of course, things may be different for us from other couples. But I feel like that can be said for anything. At the end of the day, we are just a couple.

Ben talks in depth about his story on the podcast. He talks about the assumptions people quickly make about his life just because he is in a wheelchair.

When we met, he warned me about this. We were looking at a new couch for his house and I noticed people were staring.

I asked him if it bothered him when people stared, and he said that no, it really doesn’t, but that I should prepare myself for questions that would inevitably come my way.

Sometimes the intrusions leave me fuming, even though I know most of the time it comes out of genuine curiosity and they don’t mean harm. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t cause harm though.

I usually just say it’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in, that they do not need to worry about me, and I try to leave it at that.

Andrea and Ben get stared out when they’re out together. Picture: Supplied

Andrea wants people to know their comments can cause harm. Picture: Supplied

The other issue that comes up a lot is this idea of the hero complex, as though someone who dates a person in a wheelchair must be incredible and amazing.

This shouldn’t need to be said but I will say it, just this one time – loving Ben is a privilege and being praised for being in love is absurd.

People tell me I am wonderful for dating him but it’s he who deserves the praise.

Covid smashed my mental health and I was not doing well when we met. He has been beside me the whole time, helping and supporting me through some really dark days.

My mental struggles are invisible. His chair however, is not and so people make their own conclusions.

The thing is, no one wants to talk to strangers about their sex life, or recount the worst day in their partner’s life just to satiate some curiosity.

Wanting to know more is fine and if someone is wondering something, I always encourage questions. I am a very open person, and so is he.

But some lines can remain uncrossed and maybe if people took a beat, they’d remember that.

All I want is for people to pause and say the question in their head and consider how they’d respond if a stranger asked them the same thing.

Differences should be celebrated but just because you want to know, doesn’t mean we need to share everything so quickly.

I am incredibly lucky to have met someone who makes me happier than I have ever been. Ben makes me laugh, he makes me better.

You can listen to Ben’s full story on I Swear I Never here.

Originally published as ‘Questions people ask about my sex life leave me speechless’