Jana Hocking: How negative body image can ruin dating

We’ve all found ways to disguise our bodies in the bedroom – but after a kind partner pointed it out, Jana Hocking decided to stop.

There are two types of Paris I absolutely adore. One is the city of love and the other is the name of my favourite Instagram filter. You know, it’s the first one you swipe right on in your Insta stories.

It’s not outrageous like the others. It doesn’t give you bigger eyes, or a smaller nose, it just makes your skin look a little smoother. Covers blemishes. Well, that’s how I justify it, anyway.

I’m ashamed to admit it may have popped up in one of my Bumble dating app photos once or twice. Why? Because at the age of 37 I felt like I needed it. Or more to the point, I felt a bit dud without it.

Jana Hocking admits she’s a fan of a Paris filter. Picture: Instagram.

Body image is something I’ve noticed I’ve been struggling with lately when it comes to dating. Perhaps it was lockdown and comfort carbs that saw me angling my phone a little higher for a flattering selfie. Or that my Instagram feed, thanks to summer, started filling with bikini photos of my most gorgeous loved ones in the sun.

I would find myself comparing my body with others. “My boobs don’t sit that high, my stomach could never be that flat,” I’d think as I scrolled to my doom on the socials.

My self doubts slowly started to make their way to the bedroom. I noticed when I was on my back I would kinda hold my boobs up with my hands. I thought it was subtle until one night the guy I was dating said very gently: “Stop holding your boobs, I like them from any angle!’

Jana admits she has body insecurities. Picture: Instagram.

Jana found herself trying to subtly disguise perceived ‘flaws’. Picture: Instagram.

And similarly, I noticed it happens with guys as well. I had got back with an ex, and he was aware that I had been seeing a footy player before him, so the first night we got down to business he kept making reference to the fact he “wasn’t as buff”. Or he was a “bit out of shape at the moment”.

I thought of his kind words about my boobs and reassured him that I was ridiculously attracted to him. And honestly, I was!

So this week I decided to delve deeper into body image and dating, and try and find a way to get my confidence back.

I invited Taryn Brumfitt on to my Kinda Sorta Dating podcast for a chat. You may know her as the woman who casually posted a photograph on Instagram back in 2012 of what her body looked like years after competing in swimsuit competitions.

It was a nude photo that showed skin folds, cellulite and the real curves of a woman’s body without the spray tan and photoshop. And then something bonkers happened – it went viral. 100 million people kind of viral.

Since that day, Taryn has dedicated her life to sharing a simple message: get your relationship right with your body and everything else will flourish. Yep, including our dating lives. So of course I had to get her on the poddy to sort me out!

She gave me plenty of tips but the main one that stood out was very simple. Stop obsessing about how you look, and zone in on how you feel. It’s far more important to address that! Ponder why you feel not worthy enough or why you’re losing sleep stressing about the shape of your thighs or dress you’ve got to squeeze into for your cousin’s wedding.

It made me think about just how much time I’ve wasted in my life freaking out about my physical appearance rather then my internal wellbeing.

I’ve gone to dinners and glumly eaten salad while everyone tucked into pasta because I wanted to lose weight before an important event.

I’ve cancelled dates over a nasty zit that popped up overnight, and do you know what’s so annoying … that date I cancelled could have been with my Prince Charming. That event I sacrificed for was horrifically boring. I’ve missed out on enjoying myself countless times because I wasn’t living in the present. I was always worried about some physical aspect.

Taryn explained it best when she said: “We need to eradicate the negative talk and give ourselves some self love. We need to do the work. You don’t just wake up one day and say ‘I love my body’ it takes work!”

So I’m making a pledge this year to just chill the heck out. Order the pasta, keep the date and give life a go with a few less shallow worries. No longer will I let the joy of life pass me by because I’m worried about my outwards appearance. What could be the worst that happens … I actually have fun!

Jana Hocking is a podcaster and collector of kind-of-boyfriends | @jana_hocking

Originally published as Jana Hocking: How negative body image can ruin dating