Five subtle behaviours that can destroy your relationship

They are habits that are so subtle you might not even be aware of them – but they have the potential to destroy your relationship.

When things get tough in relationships, it’s very normal, natural and easy to focus on your partner’s behaviours and the problems they bring to the relationship. It’s much harder to see your own contribution, reactions and role in relationship problems.

However, if you just focus on your partner’s problems, you will continue to feel stuck and frustrated in life. It is possible to bring positive change to your relationship through self-focus, reflection and behaviour change.

First though, you must recognise your own unhelpful behaviours – what I call “relationship-interfering behaviours”.

By doing this, you will build your insight muscle, and discover ways to strengthen your relationship rather than weaken it.

Some relationship-interfering behaviours are more obvious but still uncomfortable to admit – for example, any anger, from frustration to rage, being critical and mean to your partner or being passive-aggressive.

However, sometimes behaviours are less obvious and harder to identify. Here are five subtle behaviours that are harder to spot, but have the potential to destroy your relationship:

1. Submission or Compliance: If you find yourself surrendering your needs and submitting to what your partner wants all the time, you’re in a submission and compliance dynamic. You may feel you’re making the relationship run smoother because you are avoiding feelings of guilt or potential conflict. However, this behaviour is contributing to a negative relationship cycle. Relying on submission and compliance to defuse conflict or avoid guilt means you are not being authentic. Your genuine needs, wants and interests are not shared and not prioritised. This can lead to resentment within you and an imbalance in the relationship. It can even result in your partner respecting you less and your value in the relationship being reduced.

They are behaviours that are so subtle you might not even be aware of them – but they have the potential to destroy your relationship. Picture: iStock

2. Entitlement: It’s not just people with narcissistic personality disorder who are entitled. Each individual is at the centre of their universe and, therefore, capable of entitlement. Often people are blind to it. Entitlement might be as simple as feeling you deserve something and getting fiery when you don’t receive it. When present, this relationship-interfering behaviour means you are not willing to put yourself in an empathetic position to understand your partner’s needs. Instead, you pursue your own needs with little compassion for them. Reflecting and identifying entitlement requires deep commitment. If you do not realise you are being entitled, you will likely remain stubborn in your pursuit with little awareness of the impact you are having on others and on your own reputation.

3. Over-functioning: Many partners feel like a parent in their relationship, dealing with under-functioning partners who constantly let them down. Labelling their over-functioning as a problem seems unfair, because they’re picking up all the slack and doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship. However, let’s say you are taking care of 75 per cent of all relationship requirements. That only leaves 25 per cent of space for your partner to function. There is no room for them to step up. Continuing to over-function enables their under-functioning and causes you a lot of pain and stress because the dynamic does not change. If you do not learn to step back, lower your standards and put in healthy boundaries, you will always feel like the parent in the relationship and that’s not fair to you.

It is possible to bring positive change to your relationship through self-focus, reflection and behaviour change. Picture: iStock

4. Pursuing: Pursuing behaviours refers to behaviours that are intense, insistent and persistent. This could be repeatedly bringing up an issue in the relationship that needs resolving, insisting on an immediate behaviour change from your partner, or passionately expressing opinions or desires. Pursuing behaviours are commonly driven by feelings of anxiety, overwhelm and insecurity, making people feel required to address issues in the relationship. Such behaviours, however, can come across as controlling and bossy. Unsurprisingly, these pursuing behaviours can lead partners to feel controlled and pestered, resulting in avoidance and distancing.

5. Avoidance: If you dodge the difficult conversations and issues, you are engaging in avoidant behaviours. Avoidance leads to communication procrastination and white lies. Internally, the behaviour is driven by the desire to avoid conflict or friction, and so feels rational or justifiable. However, when you avoid a problem or issue in the relationship, it inevitably surfaces and you end up dealing with the problem at hand plus the fallout from the avoidance. This means double the problem and double the stress.

These subtle relationship-interfering behaviours are not initially in our awareness. But by reflecting on them you are able to learn and grow from them.

Blind spots are normal, allowing you to adopt a position that makes you feel more comfortable. This is a very human response.

However, identifying your relationship-interfering behaviours is life-changing as they provide you with multiple points of change to make your relationship better. 

Helen Robertson is a clinical psychologist and couples therapist, as well as the co-founder of the couples coaching app My Love Your Love. She is also the co-author of The 8 Love Links

Originally published as Five subtle behaviours that can destroy your relationship