How to navigate questions about your relationship status this Christmas

When season greetings feel like a season grilling

Approach questions with the assumption that your relatives are well-intentioned. Image: iStock

Want to achieve festive diplomacy? Here’s your guide to handling personal questions over the holidays - regardless of whether you're single or in a relationship.

The holiday season, with its reunions of extended family or friends you only see this time of year, can evoke a range of emotions. You can’t wait for your aunt’s delectable honey-glazed ham.

But, you’re also dreading feeling like a performing monkey, held captive in front of a large audience of distant relatives, subjected to a barrage of intrusive and personal questions.

You know the typical ones, "Why are you still single?" and “When do you plan on having kids.” But how intrusive are they?

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Often, your extended family does not know you well enough or see you often enough to know the ins and outs of your actual lives, so all you have is surface-level, benign interview-style conversation. Everyone dreads their “turn” or for the conversation to eventually turn to politics.

If they aren’t social media literate or on a social platform you’ve outgrown, they missed your latest life update, so they are simply reverting to the most basic life milestones and touchpoints they can muster to bond with you.

Consider topics like relationships, career, education and travel - it is the holidays, after all. If you think about it, these questions you avoid and dread are entirely superficial. However, most people interpret them as an emotional assault and completely dread the holiday season because of them. 

Everyone dreads their “turn” or for the conversation to eventually turn to politics. Image: Pexels

Here are some examples of these questions, both in their black and white version, say for fact gathering, and then in their coloured version, once you have coloured in the lines with all your (completely justified, no shame here) fears, insecurities and anxieties.

If you’re single

"Are you seeing anyone right now?"

Surface level interpretation: A straightforward question about your current relationship status.

Emotional interpretation: A judgment of your 'incompleteness' without a romantic partner.

"Are you on dating apps?"

Surface level: A (probably boomer) relative interested in your or your generation's approach to modern dating.

Emotional: An insinuation of your desperation to find someone, and maybe even a snide criticism of your proactivity to find them.

"How are you still single?"

Surface level: A compliment that you’re a desirable partner to have.

Emotional: Inferring that if you’re still ‘on the market,’ there must be something wrong with you and that being single should only be temporary.

There are plenty of benefits to being single. Image: iStock

If you’re in a relationship or married

"Have you and [partner’s name] discussed marriage?"

Surface level: A common question for couples, especially those who have been together for a long time, because the human condition is obsessed with the future, growth and evolution.

Emotional: Putting pressure on you to conform to societal norms about relationships and marriage, and the damage is tenfold worse if they dared to do it in front of my partner.

"When can we expect some good news?"

Surface level: An indirect way of asking if you have any significant plans or life changes coming up (perhaps hoping for an advance save the date to put in their calendar.)

Emotional: Assuming your life goals (and assuming they’d be invited) is intrusive and presumptuous.

"Do you see yourself settling down soon?"

Surface level: A question about your plans and life path.

Emotional: Shoving a harrowing reminder of the difficulties you are currently experiencing with fertility and family planning right in your face.

Marriage is a common question for couples at Christmas time. Image: iStock

Navigating the conversation

Here’s the thing. Would it be better if everyone paid more attention to words and their potential impact? Sure. However, we cannot change everyone’s behaviour. We can, however, alter our reaction to take something objective and turn it into an emotional insult.

Are these questions abrasive, or are they striking a nerve because there is one there to trigger? For example, If I started rubbing your arm, it would be weird, but it probably wouldn’t hurt. It would hurt a lot more if you had an underlying bruise or a small cut (which I, the arm rubee, was unaware of). So, what are your underlying insecurities? 

Self-reflection and preparation

Hey, we’ve all got them. And the best way to confront them is with awareness. It is best to label them and become their best friend, know how they make you feel from every angle, so you can own them at this time of year without them owning you. Spend time reflecting on these potential questions and your feelings before attending the dreaded gathering. This way, you can practise pausing before reverting to the knee-jerk reaction and entangling it with all your insecurities. Hey, we're all guilty of it!

It's a great time of year for anyone to go through this exercise of understanding where you are now and defining the gap between where you want to be (and then setting goals to close it). Understanding your triggers can help you plan ahead of time and protect your boundaries while still interacting with your relatives. 

Because setting boundaries in conversations is perfectly acceptable, you can politely tell your questioners that you do not want to discuss it, then politely deflect, respond with humour, change the subject, or walk away if you do not feel respected. -The benefit of the doubt

Approach these rogue questions with the assumption that your relatives are well-intentioned. Sure, you could be confident that this particular cousin has a strange decade-long personal vendetta against you because whatever... And are staging these questions to humiliate you publicly.

But is believing that narrative empowering or disempowering? Side note: a lack of reaction would irritate them even more if they were. You’re welcome. Thinking of people as delightful idiots is a much better way to navigate life.

People rarely act with malice or malicious intent; instead, they are more likely to be ignorant and stupid. And if you keep that attitude throughout Christmas and the holiday season (and life in general), why get upset when they ask silly questions?

Sera Bozza is a dating coach and the founder of Sideswiped, offering dating coaching to help you stay upright in the world of left and right swipes. You can learn more about her here.

Originally published as How to navigate questions about your relationship status this Christmas