The hidden costs of faking orgasms

Stop pretending before it’s too late

There's a reason you should never fake a climax. Image: iStock

Whether you’re too tired or just not feeling it or they’re not getting you there, faking an orgasm can feel like the easy way out. But now an intimacy expert warns you might be seriously damaging your relationship with your partner, as well as yourself, if you carry on feigning it.  

Hi, my name’s Ebony and I’ve been known to bluff my way to the Big O on more than one occasion. But, it turns out that I’m not alone. 

According to intimacy expert Chloe Mascord, putting on an act in bed is a lot more common than we realise. “80 per cent of women have faked it at least once in their life,” she tells Body+Soul. “And it’s not often just a once-off.” 

It’s also not just happening during one-night stands or brief flings with people you’re never going to see again. “It’s more common in long-term relationships than those who are single or just starting out in a relationship,” she adds.

Why people pretend

The first time it happens, it might have something to do with performance anxiety, or those societal pressures that say we’re all just meant to come after a few pumps of penetration. 

“It might start there, but then what tends to happen is that it becomes more of a habit,” says Mascord. “Because it’s not just about protecting someone’s feelings. It’s often how we’ve been taught – whether or not we realise it – that our partner’s pleasure is more important than our own. Which kind of leads to this quiet self-sacrifice and self-betrayal.” 

And while a lack of communication is always the underpinning, Mascord says there can also be a loss of curiosity and exploration. “I think that’s a big one,” she says. “I think we kind of get stuck in the routine and we don’t explore or discover what is new and exciting and so we get a little bit stagnant.” 

And then there’s the emotional disconnection. “So when we're not actually resolving or communicating about challenges in the relationship, you can start to feel that distance, and then you can just decide that it's easier to fake an orgasm.”

Why people pretend to orgasm in their relationships. Image: iStock

The many problems with faking it 

While going through the motions can seem like a quick fix, Mascord warns that it “actually adds up massively, emotionally and physically, and can impact your relationship in a really bad way”. 

“Because you’re actually being dishonest with yourself, but also with your partner too,” she says. And this is what can happen. 

#1. You could lose your sexual desire

“It’s a real possibility that you’ll lose the desire for sex,” the sexpert says. “Because if you’re not enjoying sex, you’re probably not going to want to have sex. While you’re also desensitising yourself to actual, genuine pleasure as well.”

#2. You could lose a sense of intimacy

“Because you're actually never in the moment with your partner, if you're faking it, you're not allowing yourself to be fully present,” the intimacy expert says.  

The many problems with faking it. Image: iStock

#3. It can create mistrust

“When one person's faking it, their partner might sense that something's off, but not know what's going on,” says the intimacy coach. “So then there's this gap that can create an awkward sense of mistrust, where your partner feels like something's missing, but can't quite put their finger on it.”

#4. It can give your partner false confidence 

“Faking it makes your partner think that they're doing all the right things, when in fact they might be way off course, and that can make it harder for you to ask for what you actually need in the future, because you've already brought into play a lack of trust and honesty,” Mascord explains.  

You could seriously damage the relationship. Image: iStock

#5. You could seriously damage the relationship

“Faking it can feel like a betrayal or that there's a lack of trust or honesty in the relationship,” Mascord says. Which are important things to consider, “because at some point, you're either going to continue to fake it or you're going to stop.” 

“I think the longer you go on faking it, the more you’re setting yourself up to make it not only hard to come back from, but also to build that trust again and openness and honesty in the relationship.”

#6. You could miss out on a great connection

“I think there's a huge missed opportunity for connection too because obviously intimacy thrives on vulnerability and trust, and I think when you're faking it, it blocks you from actually connecting with yourself and your partner to enjoy satisfying sex because you're losing touch with your own needs.” Mascord says.

Beware the curse of the people pleaser. Image: iStock

#7. You could become a people pleaser

“You're essentially reinforcing this performative behaviour,” explains the intimacy coach. “So you're performing and you're not actually authentically experiencing pleasure and enjoying yourself. You're just showing up in a way that's like this really unhealthy people pleasing habit. And you're reinforcing that every time you fake it.”  

#8. You could miss out on amazing sex 

“Faking it can short circuit the opportunity to explore what really feels good,” explains the intimacy expert, “So it kind of robs you and your partner of the chance to discover something new and exciting about your body.”

#9. You might not grow sexually

“Another element is that faking orgasms creates a dynamic where neither you or your partner are actually growing sexually,” the coach says. “So you're not learning what you need and you start doubting your own ability to feel pleasure, and over time, that can lead to avoiding sex altogether.” 

You're stunting your sexual growth. Image: Getty

#10. You could betray yourself 

“Every time you fake it, it's like telling yourself that your pleasure actually doesn't matter,” Mascord explains, “And that can actually contribute to low self esteem and a feeling of resentment towards yourself, but also potentially to your partner.”  

#11. Your self-worth might drop

“Lowered self-worth is a big one,” Mascord explains, “and that can bleed into other areas in life when you're not actually advocating for your pleasure. That can spill over into your work and friendships, and you might become a people pleaser and find yourself saying yes to things that you really don't want more often than you realise.”

#12. It might have a negative impact on your body image

“Faking it might be rooted in discomfort with your own body, and over time that can actually erode your confidence, making you feel a lot less sexy or desirable,” the intimacy coach says. 

How to break the cycle without confessing . Photography: Corrie Bond for Body+Soul

How to break the cycle without confessing 

If you don’t fancy coming cleaning on your faux orgasms, Mascord has a three step framework to follow.

#1. Discover 

Aka, masturbate. “Self-exploration is about understanding your body's pleasure responses and what turns you on, both mentally and physically,” the intimacy coach says. 

#2. Decide 

“Once you've made the discoveries, it's time to decide that you are committed to that,” she explains. “But instead of confessing that you've been faking orgasms outright, you can start to gradually introduce your discoveries into your sexual interactions. So that's like making the decision, ‘I don't want to fake it anymore, I want to make a different decision moving forward’.”  

#3. Deliver 

“This is about how you start to move away from orgasm as the goal, but also communicating with your partner about enjoying the experience, not just aiming for the destination of orgasm, and being able to deliver that how you really feel in your pleasure to your partner,” Mascord says. 

Originally published as The hidden costs of faking orgasms