Why we need to let dads ‘dad’ their own way

“The women in our lives are asking us to help out, but the way we help often isn't good enough.”

My husband and my idea of playing with our 15-month-old daughter couldn’t be more opposite.

I enjoy sitting and reading, he likes kicking the soccer ball up and down the hallway of our apartment.

I like singing and dancing, he likes taking all the pillows and cushions off the couch and creating an obstacle course with a blanket fortress.

I’ll often jump in the shower and come out to find the lounge moved halfway across the room, Disney music blasting as they climb all over the furniture in her best clothes and shoes.

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Just let him dad 

I often catch myself about to scold him for laying every single toy she owns on the living room floor (why does one child have 30 stuffed animals?!), but then I see the massive smile on her face as they are playing and decide to either walk away or even better, I join them.

Our couch cushions are warped from the obstacle course jumps, and I’m constantly manoeuvring between the couch and the wall to get to my desk, but amongst the chaos, I am so grateful my daughter has a dad who loves playing with her.

I think I need to remember that unless someone is in danger (or my shoes are involved), I need to let him dad the way he wants to.

No point telling him he's not doing it right, when really, he's just doing it 'his' way.

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Does it REALLY matter if the lounge cushions are a little warped? Source: Canva

“Isn’t good enough”

I reached out to a couple of dads in the Kidspot community and asked their thoughts on the frustrations they feel when they want to be more involved with their kids but are told they aren’t doing it “right.”

“The women in our lives are asking us to help out, but the way we help often isn't good enough,” John, a dad of two from Canberra, revealed. 

Chris, a dad of three boys from the Sunshine Coast, told me it is often a huge point of contention in his household, “I love roughhousing with the kids, and I’m careful, but my wife is always yelling at me I’m going to hurt them.”

“My old man never played with me growing up, so I would have thought she’d be happy to see me trying, but I’m never playing the 'right' way,” he added.

Fabian, a dad of one from Sydney, said, “It’s not that I’m doing something wrong, but it really sucks when I can’t do it like my wife does, and no matter how hard I try to put our son to sleep, as an example, if he wants mum, he wants mum.”

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Are we pushing dads away?

There are numerous studies into the benefits of dads playing with their children

An article published by The Fathering Project revealed when fathers engage in playful interactions with their children, they're not just having fun; they're laying the foundation for healthy development.

Through play, children learn invaluable social skills like cooperation, sharing, and taking turns. These skills are the building blocks for successful relationships in school, work, and beyond.

Playing catch, riding bikes, or simply running around with dad isn't just fun; it also promotes physical development, enhancing gross motor skills, coordination, and balance.

Father-child play sparks creativity, problem-solving, and imagination, with storytelling and role-playing not only fostering language development but also sharpening spatial awareness and mathematical skills.

When dads engage in play, they provide a supportive environment where children feel valued and encouraged. This nurturing atmosphere boosts self-esteem, empowering kids to tackle new challenges with confidence.

Father-child play also creates cherished memories, strengthens the bond between parent and child, and provides a wellspring of inspiration for the future.

Father-child playtime isn't just about fun and games—it's a powerful tool for nurturing well-rounded, confident, and resilient individuals. 

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Let the guy play how he wants! Source: Canva

The science behind being a dad

Research has also revealed that men experience shifts in testosterone levels when they become dads. 

Typically associated with aggression and competitiveness, higher testosterone levels drop once a man becomes an involved father, leading to increased sensitivity and responsiveness to their child's needs. 

This transformation is lasting, as testosterone levels never return to their pre-fatherhood levels.

The hormone oxytocin, known for fostering bonding and empathy, surges in dads during crucial parenting moments, such as the prenatal period and interactions with their infants and toddlers. 

This increase in oxytocin enhances paternal sensitivity, empathy, and playfulness.

Despite these biological changes, studies suggest that children still tend to gravitate towards mothers for nurturing, while fathers often bond with their children through playful interactions. 

Rough and tumble play, characterised by intensity and physical contact, serves as a vital bonding mechanism for fathers.

No dad? No worries

For single mums, lacking a father figure doesn't mean doom for their child. 

It is crucial to build a support network with positive role models, encourage positive male relationships, and foster open communication. 

By providing a supportive environment, single mums can help their children thrive and develop resilience, regardless of family structure. 

Look at the bigger picture

So, while your house is a mess and your child is kicking a soccer ball in the house in the only pair of unscuffed shoes they own, just remember that all they care about is having fun.

Now, if you need me, I’ll be navigating a loungeroom Ninja Warrior course to get to the shower.

Originally published as Why we need to let dads ‘dad’ their own way